Why I’m Doing Another #100days…

Originally posted 2015-09-28 05:00:39.

I will succeed. Again. ten hair cc'd

Integrity. Honesty. Motivation. Desire. Pride. Resolve. Courage. Longevity. Strength. These are the blocks I shall create as my foundation of my new #100days.
Hope. Positivity. Determination. Reality. Patience. Respect. Understanding. Patience. Humbleness. These are the intensely strong binding cementing glue that will bind my days together with others, to share our hopes and encouragement with one another as we take ten more steps and make sure that it has to be better tomorrow. Even for a Clumsypixie who is always stumbling sideways, there can be a glimmer of a phenomenal challenge to be victoriously rewarded with in the end.

onward and upward!

onward and upward!

Less than two weeks has passed since I finished the first #100days. I’ve been bombarded happily with congrats and well wishes, kudos and props galore. I was delighted when two friends requested (roughly within an hour of one another funnily enough), for me to make a private group for the new #100days I was planning on doing, so they could share their stats as well.
I tried to laugh them off, but soon realised quite quickly that they weren’t joking. Wait… you want to do this thing with me? O.o really?
Shrugging my shoulders in disbelief, I cautiously created the group picture, and about an hour later, the group itself. I added the ladies, and the hubs, and a few of my nearest and dearest supporters from my first #100days.
Skip to today, ten days later, the day BEFORE the next #100days is to start, and there are nearly 50 people in this group now. ALL OF THEM want to change their life in some way.
*takes a deep breath*

I kinda feel like Harry Potter did at the onset of D.A. – I am going to open the room of requirement, and bang around in there and see if someone wants to show up for a lesson.  And yet, they already have been, and the response so far! *gasps* It’s… it’s nothing short of exhilaration and shockingly astounding positivity!

I can’t wait to get started again!

(If you’re wondering what I did to reward those two beautiful women who talked me into this, I made them admins, and they are already astounding me with their humorous, insightful, dignified, and genuine approaches to showing everyone in there the courtesy and support that they themselves wish to have and surround themselves with in here.)

even on the internet

even on the internet

This is a safe haven: a place for #100day’rs and their supporters to privately come and appreciate and encourage and motivate themselves and others to be better. Live better. Smile more.
These people are coming from different corners of the world (though predominantly at present many are from or living in the USA), financial levels, and educational backgrounds. Some are looking to gain hope for their goals to be achieved from eating better to losing weight. One terrific lady has set as her main objective: to make some real friends for the first time in her life, as she’s been surrounded by “fake” and “glass” friends as she puts it. I’m happy to report in the first week she was in, she’s already on a path that will lead her away from her loneliness.

Every day now, I get to see these inspiring messages that people are sharing with one another.

We flow as an ocean tide; all unique within our goals, challenges, views, perspectives, and lives, yet focused on the same forward flow. We WILL reign supreme in our mirror-view. catitudeWe won’t allow the negatives of the rear view yesterdays to take control over our windshield view of the tomorrows. We will be proud without being pompous. Delighted without delusion. Overcoming rather than overdoing it; focused, fierce, and fiery passion to achieve the goals we have to summit.

So… why am I TRULY doing this #100days? Depression. Nope it’s not a fun, comfy cozy topic by any means, and it’s not something I enjoy talking about, but it is the real basis for this second run of things.

"just stop being sad" OH. OKAY. :/

“Just stop being sad” OH. OKAY. :/ Why didn’t I think of trying that before?

I haven’t changed my goals or anything; this was always the underlying reason. The million steps, losing weight, writing more, etc. was not dishonest by any means. It just was list of goals, rather than the “WHY?” of why I’m doing all of this for myself.

Brutal honesty now: I’ve lived with depression for a good portion of my life. I’ve never been clinically diagnosed with anything other than just depression (mild to severe) {I’m not bipolar, or manic or permanently clinically depressed} — but let’s just say I haven’t had the best kick at the can and skip ahead a bit. Suffice to say, most of my childhood required a lot of therapy, and I spent the better part of a dozen plus years trying to “get over” $hit so I could leave it in the past where it belonged without nightmares and worried glances over my shoulders. depression sucks

I’ve had two major nervous breakdowns in my life – both after the two worst years of my life. (1996 for the first breakdown, and 2013 for the second). Let me just say this to those that I desperately hope never endure this level of trauma, that there is a misconception of a “nervous breakdown” that many people have. That you’re just at rock bottom of hell and you snap. Go cross eyed and forget how to walk and just kind of look like you’re going to become a crazy cat lady in training or something. It’s not like that at all.

For some, it starts at the grocery store or in a parked car after work. Making dinner or taking a shower. I can’t even recall what the first one’s set off was. For the newest one, it was that the cats didn’t have any treats in the house, and I’d have to go to the store to get some. That was it. I walked out to the car, and proceeded to sit in the driveway, car running, window down, music playing, and I … I just couldn’t. I couldn’t think or function or feel or blink or hear or talk or do anything. Then the numbness hit like a tsunami. If you have ever been temporarily deafened by something, imagine that through your whole body at once. Kind of like standing in the shower and the water is that absolutely perfect level of lukewarm and you almost can’t quite feel it because it’s so perfect. That, but not in a good way. Like a full body “leg falls asleep” kind of feeling, but you know, somewhere, deep down inside that you need to move. being honest

I’m going to gloss over the finer details of the worst of this for now, and just say that like a lot of Northerners, particularly ones who endure longer winters and darkness than others, I have lived my entire life with the cold, and the indoors mostly. With that, comes S.A.D. – Seasonal Affective Disorder (from Wikipedia), also known as winter depression, winter blues, summer depression, summertime sadness, or seasonal depression, is a mood disorder subset in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the winter or summer.
It goes on to explain the following as well: Symptoms of SAD may consist of difficulty waking up in the morning, nausea, tendency to oversleep and over eat, especially a craving for carbohydrates, which leads to weight gain. Other symptoms include a lack of energy, difficulty concentrating on or completing tasks, withdrawal from friends, family, and social activities, and decreased sex drive.[citation needed] All of this leads to depression, pessimistic feelings of hopelessness, and lack of pleasure which characterize a person suffering from this disorder. People who experience spring and summer depression show symptoms of classic depression including insomnia, anxiety, irritability, decreased appetite, weight gain or loss, social withdrawal, and decreased sex drive.
hibernate v active
I will also say that when you’re depressed, the desire to hibernate – in all forms – takes over. What I mean is that you start to reason out excuses in your head for NOT doing certain things. Like showering regularly. Now, I realise that many who have been “sad” won’t understand this, but from the standpoint of someone who has been dealing with S.A.D. and other major depression episodes their entire life, hygiene isn’t something that happens properly at all. You stop caring, and I mean, it’s a deeper level of sadness and a pit of despair than a mere apathetic view of the world. I mean, you DO NOT give a $hit what happens in a day, and since you’re not going anywhere anyway. hibernate

You aren’t going to see anyone, so why change? If you’re not going to change your clothes, why would you need to shower? If you’re not going to shower, why brush your teeth? Yeah… that’s how fast your world can fall apart. While we’re at it, to take a darker path for just a brief moment, hardly anyone ever thinks of what it is like for the homeless depressed females who still get their periods. That’s what I faced last year, and several other years in my life as well.

It’s not like I woke up one day and decided that I would just not care anymore. It’s an all-consuming, life destroying, overwhelmingly constantly paining numbness. The pre-“pins and needles” feeling that you get in your foot, times ten thousand. You’re in a thunderstorm and you have to pee and you’re fumbling with keys and they fall in a puddle and you bend to dig around in the mud, cut your finger on a rock, find your keys, go to stand again, smash the back of your head on the door handle and almost concuss yourself and you’re like why

WHY? WHY! WHY?!?!?!

just come on, one more thing, and then you sneeze so hard you… GREAT. Annnnd now you you have to hurry up, cause you just started, and yeah, of course, it’s the ONLY day of the entire year you decide to wear your light-coloured pants outside………. Oh, and add on top of that being hungry because you haven’t eaten in going on five days, and you’re trying to figure out where the next rent monies will come from, and this and this and that and this and … yeah. That is what a bit of what depression is like. But it’s all the time. The uneven beat of collapsing, worrying, imploding, self-loathing, and deprivation and worry and sorrow and insurmountable apathetic, exhausting, mind-consuming total grief.

break freeI never want to feel that again.

I want my scars to fade. I want my sadness to remain in check, and me be able to say “this *situation* is NOT going to get out of control.” I will not have any more internal forest fires.

erase the sadness

erase the sadness

I refuse to be the victim of my own life, and from here on, I own everything I think, do, say, feel, and know.

I don’t blame those people or things or situations that I surround myself with. If I fail, it is on my shoulders. free

If I succeed, it’s my glory. *beats chest triumphantly* I refuse to be on the sidelines, watching life go by.

I WILL SUCCEED. I have no other choice. I believe in myself, and no one can break me.

I am small, but I am a force to be reckoned with. I am ready for my next adventure to begin.

I can’t wait.
I am excited that I get to share this new #100days with you as well.

climbing outThanks for stumbling with me through the first one. I am excited that this is happening so my New Year’s resolution (along with several friends), is going to be to ENJOY the new life we have created for ourselves.

Sera Hicks on Blogger
Sera Hicks
Creative Journey Leader, Intern Supervisor, Admin, Writer at Geeks and Geeklets
Geeky Hobbit-loving Whovian. Lover of chocolate, cats, and crafty things. Writer, Creative Journey Leader. It has to be better tomorrow.