Originally posted 2016-08-22 17:00:38.
Interview with a Character – Firefly Episode – Yes, the entire crew. Why? Because FIREFLY. *I hope I do it justice*
If this is your first time here, you’re going to want to catch up with the previous episodes!
This week, we’re interviewing the following characters:
Cap’n “Mal” Malcolm Reynolds, Hoban “Wash” Washburne, Zoë Alleyne Washsburne, Derrial Book, Inara Serra, River Tam, Simon Tam, Jayne Cobb, and last, but most definitely not least, my girl, Kaylee Frye:
**Note: because many (shocking as this is going to be to the Firefly lovers) haven’t watched the show, they won’t understand that the language was “tweaked” – I’m scaling it back so it’s readable to everyone as best possible, so please don’t be upset if it doesn’t sound exactly like how Mal would say >> sumtin << (something), because my brain will explode writing it crazy, and everyone reads things differently when it’s a new word they phonetically have to sound out. Okay, notice done. On with the interviews ((and it’s gonna be a longer one for sure, since it’s the entire cast interacting)) – Why? BECAUSE FIREFLY. That’s why.
Wash: Do you hear that everyone? The love in this room right now *sniff* *wipes fake tear*
Zoë: You’re askin’ for it, Mr. Washburne.
Wash: I’ll beg for it from you, Mrs. Washburne. *they kiss deeply* *Kaylee stifles a giggle*
Inara: I think their love is divine and should be treated with reverencing and praisables of happy.
Book: You speak as if you know the words.
Inara: I’m an Ambassador. That’s part of my training, in order to assist and oblige and give the penultimate experience to my clientele.
Zoë: *to interviewer* Apologies for leadin’ this off the beaten. My favorite word: Freedom.
Book: *looking at Inara with surprise* In your line of work?
Inara: I love many things, Shepard. I love friendship and kindness, mercy, understanding, acceptance, and lack of judgment from those who have more skeletons in their closets than I ever would. I live honestly, openly, and truly. More than I can say for anyone else in here.
Book: I have much to learn from you.
Inara: Well, you could start by reading more than one “Book”, Reverend.
Book: Touché. I’ll choose goodness.
2. What is your least favorite word?
Mal: Goram Purple Bellies
Zoë: Ruttin’ Purple Bellies
River: The wing velocity of a…
Simon: River, just your least favorite word.
River: Do you want it to be Simon? It could be. Maybe it is.
Simon: It’s not my name, River.
River: But it could be.
Simon: This might be your longest interview yet.
Jayne: That sound you make when Vera’s outta bullets. That’s the worst ruttin’ wordable ever.
Kaylee: The cry of my engines.
Simon: I hate to point this out…
Jayne: Then Doctor-Uptight, don’t.
Simon: Neither of you has pointed out a word.
Jayne and Kaylee simultaneously: Aye I did!
Simon: *closes eyes, shakes head* Why do I try?
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Mal: Ina… nah, uh…
Wash: Zoë, Zoë, Zoë Z….
*everyone together except Wash, Zoë and River* We get it, Zoë.
Inara: I think that is so sweet.
Wash: Thanks, Inara.
Zoë: *acting like she’s not blushing madly* Wash, of course. *bristles a bit* and a good firefight.
Book: Reading from the good book.
Inara: *with a touch of sarcasm* I too find pleasure in reading, though I think a diverse collection, rather than one simple book is best.
Book I can see we are never going to break bread together without contention.
Inara: Shepard, you judge what you do not understand, and because of that, I have no need to waste time traipsing around, trying to make you feel comfortable with what it is I do for a living. I provide a service. I am esteemed, I have clientele who respect me, and I have never been shunned or judged or mistreated. I am revered by those in and around my profession, and mine, sir, is a profession that transcends even yours. I do not wish to propagate the idea that you are somehow superior to me, simply because you wield a book and shake it at people you are scared to learn about. I bring love, honesty, joy, and serenity to every client I carefully and attentively cater to; can you say the same for every sheep in your flock?
Book: *humbled* M’lady, I regret ever crossing words with you.
*Inara side-glances at Mal, slowly shakes her head, Mal goes quiet, smiling.* *Inara smiles and looks away.*
River: Watching my kin deer all over the grease monkey is always funny to see.
Jayne: What in the ruttin…
Simon: *blushing madly* She’s saying… *pausing for embarrassment* That I ‘fawn’ all over Kaylee.
Kaylee: *eyes wide*
Simon: I’m not answering this.
Jayne: *mimicking Simon quite accurately* Dear Diary, I followed Kaylee around for 8 solid hours today, but she wouldn’t lick my face once. Boo hoo, I’m going to the sick bay to put myself in stasis until she loves me. P.S. I smell.
Zoë: Jayne, that’s harshable, even for you.
Jayne: True. He don’t smell bad for a doc I guess.
Kaylee: *blushing every possible shade of red and pink, refuses to say a word.*
4. What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Mal: Ruttin’ Reavers sure do drop a bucket on the day.
Book: People who talk in theatres.
Inara: Arrogant people who assume they have…
Book: I said I was sorry.
Inara: *finishing* the right to interrupt me while I speak. That is the worst.
Book: *hangs head in shame* I cannot make this right.
River: The preacher is overwrought with sadness, prostitute. Let the absolution commence and all will be right on our little vessel again.
Inara: Did you, the raging lunatic, just tell me to accept his apology? No, I don’t have to do anything. And yes, I’m ignoring your slight on my profession. You know, well, perhaps you don’t know, it is the highest regarded profession possible.
River: Perhaps you should learn a few things before speaking, It is not, and you would do well to hold your tongue against slandering me. I can kill you with my mind.
Inara: If it would cease this futile conversationing, please, by all means, do so. *flattens skirt, crosses legs daintily*.
Simon: *Ignoring the entire conversation, studying the handheld device in his hand*
Jayne: Goram Purple Bellies and Reavers for sure.
Kaylee: Too many ruttin’ things to mention.
5. What sound or noise do you love?
Mal & Kaylee simultaneously, with the exact same level of love: Serenity’s purr.
Wash: Zoë’s laugh, then Serenity’s purr.
Jayne: I didn’t know she could laugh.
Zoë: Jayne, you’re cruisin. Silence.
Wash: *looking hungrily yet playfully at Zoë* Silence after I satisify…
Book: Yes, yes, Mr. Washburne, we’re aware you are able to keep your marriage thriving in the physical department. We don’t need details.
Zoë: Oh, you wouldn’t be able to handle his details.
*Inara, Mal, Kaylee, and Wash all laugh heartily, Jayne and Book both look appalled in totally different ways*
Jayne: I’m trying to picture Wash’s a…
Book: *rushing to cut Jayne’s conversation off* I love the sound of a waterfall.
Inara: We finally agree on something, Shepard. That is my favorite sound also.
River: Blood. Dripping. Drip. Drip. Drip.
Simon: *ignoring River* River’s laugh when we were young. She had the best laugh ever.
Jayne: Vera, when I’m loadin’ bullets in her. *Starts humming “Hero of Canton” to himself*
6. What sound or noise do you hate?
Mal, Wash, Zoë, Jayne, and Inara as one: Reaver screams.
Book: I do not like to hear anyone in pain.
River: Propagandist lies that undermine the fabric of society.
Simon: River’s screams from her night terrors.
Jayne: Vera outta bullets. Yeah, it’s just as bad as a ruttin’ Reaver to me.
Kaylee: Serenity’s engines cuttin’ out.
7. What is your favorite curse word?
Mal, Jayne, Kaylee, Zoë: Ruttin
Simon: That’s not a swear word, Mr. Washburne.
Wash: When I say it right, it is.
Zoë: *laughing at Wash, nodding affectionately*
Book: *looking horrorstruck* Fei hua.
River: *to the confused interviewer* It means nonsense, but I assure you, when the doors of his cabin are shut, the religious one says much stronger words. I’ve listened at the door.
Book: *side-glancing awkwardly at River, seeming to grow even more horrorstruck* The interviewer did not ask if we’ve ever swore, but rather what our favorite swear is. I have never claimed to be without sin.
Inara: Words only have weight if we give it to them. You imply the incorrect tone on any word, and you can make it a negative. I simply haven’t given it much thought before, though if I had to choose, I would go with shiong mao niao.
River: I don’t need to have one. I say whatever I like.
Simon: *whispers* Rutting.
Jayne: Ruttin’, goram, shiong mao niao. Yeah, shiong mao niao is the best.
Kaylee: *giggles at Jayne’s swear* Ruttin’ for me as well, though I might need to start saying shiong mao niao more often, as that is a goram good one.
River: *looks at confused interviewer* Panda piss. They are acting like imbecilic youngsters.
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Mal: *jokingly* Hero of Persephone.
*Jayne laughs heartily* You’d be good for that one, Cap.
Mal: Aye, I agree, Jayne. Thank ya.
Captain. Zoë: Oooooh, yes, I can see you in those suspenders, and the tight pants *eyes him up voraciously*
*Wash, acting all discreet, shielding his body* Woman, I’m not your toy to… oh, wait, yes I am *opens arms* admire away, my love. Take, me, take me!
Book: *can’t help laughing now at their affectionate ways* Cattle rancher.
Inara: Since I was young, I’ve only ever wanted to be an Ambassador. I cannot imagine a life beyond what I do. I am fulfilled.
River: Reaver Slayer.
Simon: *shudders at his sister’s comment given so casually* I guess, a different kind of doctor?
Jayne: Your imagination is a vast space of nothingness, ain’t it, Doc? I could do Cap’s job, when he done snuffs it.
Kaylee: *scowling at Jayne* Cotillion dress designer.
9. What profession would you not like to do?
Mal, Zoë, Jayne, Simon, and Kaylee as one: Wash’s job.
Wash: Wow, harsh.
Zoë: Babe, it’s a testament to your skills, we couldn’t ever possibly be equal to your abilities.
Wash: She likes me. She really likes me! You heard her everyone! Mark you calendars!
*Zoë kisses him passionately* I’ll show you how much I like you in a few minutes, Mr. Washburne.
Wash: Can we just end it here? I have… I think I left my pair of pants on in the bedroom, and I think my wife needs to come help me make sure they’re off. *the two race each other from the room, and do not return*
Book: Anything that is contrary to my beliefs.
Inara: *shaking head* Anything other than what I’m doing currently. Again, I’m fulfilled, so all other jobs are just that; jobs.
River: *speaking quietly, forgetting everyone else in the room is there* Simon’s job as the older sibling would not be something I would enjoy, especially if he were as picked apart as I have been. I do not fault him for his fears or his anxieties. I only wish I could make him understand how grateful and appreciative I am for his mere existence, let alone the truth that he is the reason I am alive and continue to flourish. I owe him my life, my happiness, my fleeting moments of lucidity; his companionship is everything right and true and good in this ‘verse, and I never tell him how much he means to me, but the fact is, he’d never believe me.
Simon: *gobsmacked in silent loving delighted surprise*
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Mal: Yeah, ‘bout them Reavers, sorry ‘bout that.
Book: Come with me, Derrial, your work is now about to begin.
Inara: *shakes head, refuses to speak*
River: There is no pearly gates. No, Simon, I do not have to play this farce through any further. This interview is at its apex for me. *storms from the room*
Simon: *after a few moments of silence, a barely audible voice says* I’m sorry about what happened to your sister, Simon.
Jayne: Ain’tchoo just the most despicably sweet brother?
Simon: Can you leave me alone for three minutes and just answer the rutting question without being so goram belligerent?
Jayne: Touchy, touchy, Doc. You needs to get yourself up to sickbay and take a med of calm. That said, if I were to go to Pearly Gates Land in the sky, there’d be a statue there o’me as well. Hero of Heaven, Jayne Cobb. The Gee-Oh-Dee would be handing me my own set of shiny keys.
Kaylee: Can I go to a different heaven if Jayne’s going to get to be the boss there?