Originally posted 2017-01-21 17:00:15.
The first fifteen days of this 30days, Your Way cycle, I was gun-ho to get an article out every single day about what I wanted to inspire people about.
I came up with 30 words, and was bound and determined to bombard the Geeks website with my thoughts.
Well, four things happened. Actually six, but four I’m openly going to share. I own these, and am taking full responsibility for the part I played in them (not that you should be reading anything bad into this – just read on first).
First and foremost, I am an overachiever.
There are a host of reasons “why” I’m that way, but we’ll save those for another day. The point for this one is that no matter how incredibly well thought-out my plan of attack is, I generally don’t account for the second thing.
Time. I’m a pretty decent time budgeter, and because I’m an overachiever, I’ve given myself ample time ((USUALLY)) to do everything that I intend… which doesn’t always lead to much flexibility in my schedule. Which leads to the third point.
I can’t say “No”. Even to myself it seems. I owe no shifting of blame to anyone on this one even more so than myself, because I am a people pleaser. If I even have a sniff of an idea that someone could use my abilities or skills or spoons or jokes or wisdom or shoulder or assistance in any way, I stop and help them, even before I finish my own (OVERACHIEVING) tasks. Which leads me to finally:
I over apologise. I am genuine, remorseful, and very contrite of heart when I do apologise, because I set such lofty high standards for myself to shine constantly, that when I fall short of my goal, it is MISERY OR BUST, BABY! I wish that I would be able to shut off one of these, just ONE even so I could give myself time or the right to stand up to the bullies (including Feral Felicia, who has been back in full freakin’ force lately), and just say STOP. I need a break, I have things I want to do, and people I care about, and commitments to adhere to, so lemme just do those; okay?
I don’t mean any physical bullies this time around – I mean the ones of Self-Doubt, Shame, Fear, Depression; the ones that never leave you alone, even when the physical representations are long gone off your radar.
So what am I going to do about this?
I’m going to be honest. I have 10 days for this month, and I need to start thinking about GOOD, positive, HAPPY things that I am looking forward to, which include editing a novel with someone I admire so much, be a bridesmaid in one of my closest tribe member’s wedding, and hug some of the best humans ever created. I can’t do that if I am berating myself with how much of a fucking failure I am because I did three posts with two of the words (accepting & geeky, integrity & content, and unique & diligent).
This self-imposed bullying becomes sabotage and that festers out of control and it soon becomes something that I am not able to stop until it peters out, I deal with it head on, and I get the fuck over it. Well, that’s what this is. Me getting over it.
This week, I shot my mouth off in my therapy session and ADDED to the insurmountably large load of work I have demanded of myself, and flippantly stated it would be “so cool to see my story” as the masks that I’ve worn throughout my life. ((They aren’t for public consumption, this is me honestly saying NO, my privacy is much more important than general curiosity right now)).
There were 21 masks (technically 22, but I have time until July when I am going to paint it up in Ireland). I hand drew them, then hand drew the picture(s)/word(s) on each one. This was not only a physical toll on me (my back can’t handle 12 hours of art like it used to, and I need to fix that moving forward if I want to do more of the things I love), but an emotional and cathartically mental one as well. I was bombarded with the memories I had to encapsulate in each mask, and out of the 21 masks drawn, there might have been four or five max that had “happy” elements to them.
But they are done. And I didn’t write during those two days at all. I did stop to do some regular work, things I’m proud to do, and things I’m glad I’m trusted with. I don’t take that trust lightly, but I also know I can be kind of grating on the nerves when I don’t meet my own expectations, and feel like my view of failure is somehow being shoved onto others. Which is not fair to them. And yes, I should point out at this point that I do over apologise, and as much as people say “no worries”, every damn time I say those five letters together, I feel like a tool because I know they didn’t put that expectation out, and it’s my own insecure fucked up brain telling me that they now see me the way I see me; a failure of such insurmountable levels that they are now just pity-friending me until such time as they can leave me at a bus station with a couple of quarters and a sign that says “Will Work For Shamefully Low Validation”.
My expectations are my own, and I need to shove these out into the burning hot Caribbean sunshine and boldly say “Fry these fuckers into extinction, please!”
This doesn’t change what I wanted to do, but I need to be realistic. I can sum up what the last fifteen days of the 30Days, Your Way is in a couple of positive articles. And that’s what I am going to do. I have this article, and I am going to choose two more, not 15 more, and talk about WHY I chose the words I did, and how I think they can affect the right effects on each of you.
So what are these epic lil words that I have given myself a migraine over, not sharing with everyone? Mentor, rewarding, learning, crafting, moderation, healthy, genuine, sincere, excited, teaching, formidable, caring, mindful, challenge, deliberate, honest, and enthusiastic.
And what am I going to personally work on in the last portion of my 30days, Your Way?
No more SORRY’s. I will thank people for their patience with me, rather than beg their forgiveness of my shortcomings. ((If I do something by accident like drop a plate on someone’s toe, that is going to be different.)) I’m first and foremost a Canadian, but I’m also an abuse survivor (<< that word is still hard for me to admit, but I think that will be for another conversation). Saying sorry is how I appease people; it’s how I show I’m the failure, so I’m willing to self-flagellate and beg forgiveness, in order to avoid recriminations later.
Secondly, I won’t set such unachievable goals on myself. I knew I had other projects I wanted to do, other things I needed to write, and other duties to attend to. I made myself sick worrying about how badly I was messing things up, and spending too much time in a state of panic and anxiety that I had created. I need to work that out, and no, it’s not something that I can learn overnight, but it is something I can acknowledge and work toward overcoming.
Set aside time for my self care. Saying “NO” is a hard one for me, so maybe I need some mirror time (highly doubtful, but it’s fun to assume for a moment I’d be that carefree). I’m going to be honest, and tell people I don’t have the spoons if I don’t have them. Most of the time I do, and I’m never begrudging anyone the request for my heart or ear or shoulder or words. I need accept that I deserve my spoons as well though; maybe that is something we can talk about another time too though.
Until next time, as Red Green always used to say, “Keep your stick on the ice!”