#100days Week 9: Saboteurpixie and the Quest for the Healthy Tomorrow

Originally posted 2015-11-23 17:13:11.

Digital CameraHigh above the land below (nine stories up to be precise), sits a nefarious creature, bent on the self destruction and ill shenanigans that only that creature could manipulate. It is a lair fit for few brave intrepid souls, and a couple of furry beasts.

The heroine of our story, is none other than the ever-resourceful and tenacious Clumsypixie, who has fought this nasty villain time and again, sometimes with a stupendously fantastical outcome; others, she is left panting, doubled over, and exposed to the elements to have their way with her.

Will she be victorious? Stay tuned!Screenshot 2015-11-22 09.54.02

I’m going to admit something. A few things actually is more likely, but first and foremost: I am afraid of success.

It’s not a badge of honour for me to admit this.

In fact, I need to don my Saboteurpixie hat and sit in the midst of everyone to be admonished for my silliness.

Screenshot 2015-11-22 09.49.39Let me clarify a few things.

First, I’m not so much frightened of the success itself, but rather the means, way, affect, and effect it is going to have on me and those the success could touch.

The “lead up to” part of things, and how it plays out is the issue.

Okay, that didn’t take the mud off the words; let me try again.

I tend to build up in my mind’s eye HOW something will be “best” succeeded at, and then if it doesn’t match that set of parameters, then I feel like I somehow failed.

In turn, I just get so close to almost taste the end, and oft times I purposely do something to make it so I’m physically, mentally, FINANCIALLY, emotionally, or even geographically unable to complete it, which then plays into my whole big mental issue of self-defeat and if I can go to every possible extreme when I am playing out the legion of scenarios (rarely are more than one or two of these ever a positive one) that could be the ‘finish line’ of sorts. Screenshot 2015-11-22 09.58.56

See, I’m a ‘big picture’ kind of Pixie. I like to see the myriad of choices and possibilities and options and plans well in advance of setting out.

I’m quite flexible in the ‘getting there’ stages, though when I’m about 75% completed, and I can see just the faintest outline of a finish line, I get scared. I mean, really scared. Screenshot 2015-11-22 10.07.19

“How are you going to pooch this now, Pix?” Feral Felicia says with a grin of delight that would frighten small children. Screenshot 2015-11-22 10.16.47

“Shut it, Feral twin, she is working really hard to accomplish all the tasks, and I am ecstatically pleased and proud of  her progress so far,” the Codex-style Felicia Day responds, standing boldly between her nefarious doppelgänger and the brain’s whiteboard list of ‘things to do’.

I can go from Plan A to B to 42 to octopus if I have to as far as changing my routine, habits, etc.

But just show me a finish line and I’ll choke.

Screenshot 2015-11-22 09.51.38What if I DO succeed?

What then?

How should I react?

Will I be Egopixie and start acting like Gilderoy Lockhart, expecting everyone will want my autograph? My teeth are a mess, I need to get them fixed so I don’t smile at all my adoring fans! I need new clothes that fit better, so ….. yeah, you see where this is going, right? Screenshot 2015-11-22 10.37.32

When I decided to FINALLY and permanently quit smoking, there was only ONE successful goal: permanently quit smoking. That’s it. There are no half-way checkpoints for something like that.

You can try to quit as many times as you like, and you’re always going to have an excuse to go back if you’re not being honest with yourself. The honesty part was always easy.

It was the fact I had to be ready; I mean, really ready.

Screenshot 2015-11-22 10.19.25I quit during an incredibly stressful time. I was separated, living in a house full of mould with three cats and a ferret, on short term disability from work [which led to a whole host of other problems as this was the second worst year of my entire life], not allowed to use a computer more than ten minutes at a time (which was fine, because I didn’t have internet in the rental place anymore, other than on my mobile phone), not allowed to use a pen at all, and could only sit/stand/lay in short bursts because of the damage to my back and arms and neck from my workplace injury.

At the end of the first month of me being off, nothing to do, getting overwhelmed at the hours that ticked by seemingly in a macabre lazily slow fashion, you’d not suspect I would choose then to be my “time to quit”. March 26, 2013 was the day of my last cigarette. Ever. Screenshot 2015-11-22 10.34.31

I started on a doctor-prescribed program that was to take at least six months.

At the end of month one, April 26, 2013, I took the last pill and still had no desire to have a cigarette, told my doctor I didn’t need another refill for the next month, and subsequently used that prescription’s money (which would have been less than a full week’s worth of packs of smokes), and put it toward getting new perfume for myself (Prada Candy – Ooooh how I love this one!) as a brilliant -and necessary- reward. ~ I no longer liked how my previous perfume smelled on me, as that ‘matched’ my smoker smell better. Screenshot 2015-11-22 10.35.04

I still have my Prada Candy, but I wear Book by Commodity right now – it is so me! ~

{{Side note: I’m one of those rare ex-smokers [20 years] who can be around smokers *I don’t like it, but I can handle it*, I didn’t ever enjoy it to begin with *addictions don’t make sense, don’t try to figure them out*, and I’m not a lecturer on the topic. It’s a moot attempt to dissuade someone from altering their life if they’re not ready. I don’t judge them, because I know how hard it was for me to get to that stage to want to quit, let alone do it.}} Screenshot 2015-11-22 10.41.35

**Being that I’m Canadian (I think you’ve picked up on that by now with my “colour, and honour, and realise” spellings, but just in case someone is seeing this for their first drop into my world), I had a different prescription name than Americans and British will have, but I do know they exist, so if you are interested in it, I’ll be happy to talk about that privately. I’m not going to endorse a product on here that may or may not be an effective means.

Always talk to your doctor before starting something so life-changing, as they have gone to school and know how to at least access the PROPER information to make educated options a reality.**

first 100 days picture I made

first 100 days

So, how does all of this relate to my current #100days?

You might also be looking curiously at the screen, thinking, “Uh, Pixie… you already *successfully* completed your first #100days!” and you’re waiting for a response.

Yes, I did successfully accomplish my goals.

I made them static, like the one for when I quit smoking.Screenshot 2015-11-22 09.52.16

Eat three meals a day, set and maintain a healthy sleep routine, and start to get active and off the couch/bed/chair everyday.

Screenshot 2015-11-22 09.53.12They might seem like incredibly vague, generalised goals, but from the “big picture” perspective, those are the life changers.

This time around, I had some flexible ones: I want to lose anywhere between 10-90lb (from lazy to insane aspirations), add muscle, get running if I can… and then I had some fixed ones as well.

I want to reach 1 million steps before December 31, 2015, I want to write 50,000 words in November for a completely new novel, and dedicate five days a week at the gym. Screenshot 2015-11-22 10.50.50

I’m excellent at the ones that I have specifics for. I WILL finish my NaNo.

I WILL make the 1,000,000 steps target and, with the exception of D’s visit (only missed one), have been dedicated and going to the gym MT-W[off]-TFS-S[off].

It’s the non-specific goals I’m having an issue with.

I know I’m packing on muscle. Getting fitter. Leaner. Healthier.

Screenshot 2015-11-22 11.07.24When I first went to the gym, squats and I didn’t get along, even though I had done them at home several times a week, so being able to use {currently 80lb resistance} a machine and do 100 squats in less than 3-5 minutes [depending on how my knees feel is how slow/fast I go on there – I’m not about to do damage to them and really impede my efforts], and that’s just one of the ((now 15)) pieces of equipment that I rotate through during my almost daily visits. Screenshot 2015-11-22 06.49.27

I’ve been seeing my efforts as positive during the week, only to go to check my weight on Saturdays, and then measure up on Sundays, only to find I’m not hitting what my brain tells me I should be for “WHOOHOO” moments.

This is when the Saboteurpixie rears her ugly head, and gets in cahoots with Feral Felicia, and the two of them set off to break all the mailboxes and taunt Good Felicia and pour hot tar and then wet cement over things that are good and necessary and in the midst of being done.

every day I strive to find the beauty and goodness...

every day I strive to find the beauty and goodness…

I’ll give you a few examples, so you’re seeing why I needed to ‘fess up’ about this. I have been diligent, and did cut back drastically on the fats and sugars. That wasn’t the issue. I have let myself slip and get more complacent as I had already had admitted to last week as far as my walking though, and it is reflected in the steps.

I am correcting that, and yesterday at the gym, forced myself to add the extra ten pounds of weight to the squat resistance, and I did do the rowing machine I always make the excuse I am going to let slip from my sweaty hands, as well as a few other exercises. I’m getting to the end of my second big milestone (the first being 500,000  step by Day 50), which is my 50,000 words by 11:59:59 November 30th. I’m making excuses for not going out. Not being active enough, and not doing what I need to maintain, all under the guise of “doing it for my NaNo.” I’ll be completely honest. I did some NaNo during the week, but *sigh* not as much as I wanted. Granted, I did powerhouse like crazy on Wednesday, and typed up over ten thousand words that day alone. My overall efforts are in a holding pattern in lieu of my rearing deadline.

Screenshot 2015-11-22 11.36.24It’s not even just how I’m treating NaNo now; I do know I will finish, as I thankfully have set aside two whole writing days (Wednesday and Thursday this coming week will be “Write All The Words!” days), so hopefully skipping the gym one day this coming week (it’s supposed to be opening 3hrs later than usual on USA Thanksgiving, and since I don’t quite fancy standing in line for a machine, I’m going to not go there on Thursday at all) will prove to be advantageous for myself in the word count finale.

Screenshot 2015-11-22 09.47.57Funny thing is, I’m not scared one bit that I’m 8 days from the finish line and I’m still under count.

I won’t let myself NOT succeed. But there in lies the whole crux of this; when I have a definitive goal set out, Tenaciouspixie soars in like Daring Do, and refuses to give up.

The less tangible the goal is, the harder it is for me to push toward it. Now, while I’m working on this current set of #100days, I’m not just thinking about myself: I’m working on projects and events and esteem-building exercises for my DayLites as well.

My fellow CMCs are on board to see this become something legendary and fantastic. Screenshot 2015-11-22 11.09.37

So what do I do to show them my complete and utter gobsmacked delighted-nessity about their support and allegiance?

Oh, I just try to do the one thing that could wrench the plans: I panic.

Not just a little. I mean, I go arms-flailing-I’m-drowning-sitting-on-the-sidewalk kind of deal. Everything is completely fine, and I get paranoid that they are going to cut and run.

Screenshot 2015-11-22 09.53.36Trust issues?

I has them. That doesn’t justify anything, but it is something I need to shine the light of day on, and deal with it. Just like anything you need to overcome: realisation and admitting it exists are the first steps in dealing with and fixing the problem.

I want everything to be perfect so that no one says, “Oh my stars, you were such a stupid waste of time. I can’t believe I devoted any thought or feeling or action toward your existence, thanks so much for ruining what could have been great. You suck, Pixie. YOU. SUCK.”

And I KNOW they won’t do that.

But once bitten; you know? Screenshot 2015-11-22 11.14.04

So I race around and try to… be everything and see everything and do everything and not let anyone have a breath or any real input, and meanwhile, I am remarking about how petty and trite and pathetic the boy’s supervisor is for micro-freakin-managing every finite detail and not trusting him with anything that could easily be achieved.

Yeah, well apparently this piece of humble pie isn’t going to taste quite as yummiciousness as that pecan one we got at the market yesterday (I said I was drastically cutting down on the sugars/fats, not eliminating them 😉 because that’s completely unreasonable).

Screenshot 2015-11-22 11.12.11

not really, but it would take too long to list the actual reasons…

So I have to apologise to them, and actually have them understand that I love them so much, and I DO trust them, and I am just afraid that I won’t be enough to be worthy of their best, which is what they hand me easily and gracefully, and spectacularly every single day, without any provisos or addendum or caveats or anything.

I guess this loyal friendship is a two-way street after all.

Give me time; I promise I’ll get this right.

Stats: I’m getting pretty good at maintaining the equilibrium – everything’s holding steady at the same as it was last week, which is to be expected since I haven’t really changed the routine much yet. Screenshot 2015-11-22 06.46.52I am proud of my NaNo though.

Wednesday was such a mixed day for me, as I was dealing with having to wait for someone to arrive (we live in NYC, so we live at the mercy of the creatures and lazy neighbours who apparently like to house said creatures – not bedbugs, I swear!!!) to exterminate, and kept getting sidetracked from typing.

Screenshot 2015-11-22 11.05.43I still managed to get over 10,000 words typed though, so I am VERY proud of that fact.

I can’t wait to see what this Wednesday and Thursday will produce, given that I won’t be impeded with other outside forces [until the Hubs heads home early from work on Thursday, but I’ll be hopefully just wrapping up by then] in my typing.Screenshot 2015-11-22 08.54.57

Screenshot 2015-11-22 06.45.16 I WILL hit, and go over my NaNo, just you wait and see.


Tenaciouspixie has chopped off all the excess length of fingernails, brightly painted the parts left with fun dark teal and light coral and brightest white stripes and dots and lines and blocks.

I’m ready to type, and I will be cheering come that final “.”.

Thank you, as always for your kindness and support and encouragement.

See you next week!


Sera Hicks on Blogger
Sera Hicks
Creative Journey Leader, Intern Supervisor, Admin, Writer at Geeks and Geeklets
Geeky Hobbit-loving Whovian. Lover of chocolate, cats, and crafty things. Writer, Creative Journey Leader. It has to be better tomorrow.