Originally posted 2015-12-31 10:15:08.
I had no clear view of the destination, but I knew there were special areas I wanted to check out along the way.
I’ve suffered for most of my life with horrible insomnia, and an inconsistent pattern of sleep because of it.
I want…needed rather, to be healthier.
Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, and financially.
I wished I could fit into smaller clothing sizes comfortably.
I dreamed I’d be able to get past the ‘doormat’ stamp on my forehead. I hoped that I’d make stronger, better, deeper friendships.
I had to get active.
I was so just completely done with being depressed and sullen and moody.
What I stumbled sideways into however, has changed my life beyond my wildest imaginings. I’m nowhere near perfect, but I am a LOT better than I was at the beginning of the year, that’s for sure.
I carry with me the pride of all the immeasurable things I couldn’t have foreseen happening, and because of that, I was completely gobsmackingly delighted to see how far I have come.
I mean, seriously… I walked a million steps in less than 100 days, when literally at the start of this year, I couldn’t take more than 40 steps before needing a break for five minutes. Let that sink in. I made excuses to NOT move. I tried to laugh off my horrendous situation; humour deflection is always my first go-to, though it is tipped with sarcasm and bitterness and defensiveness.
What aspects of your growth are now second nature and what are some that you still know you struggle with?
The daily routine of being active is now (and growing ever-steadier) almost instinctual. I crave the energy boost, particularly in the mornings. Don’t get me wrong, I love being able to sleep in and be ‘lazy’ all day, but it’s a rare event now, not the always-lazy-sometimes-active approach I had before.
Eating is now second nature to me, thankfully.
I still have moments of grouchiness, but I’m working on that, and I think in time it will be even better. We can’t be nice all the time though, right? I mean, if we were, when would we KNOW how to better ourselves?
I think the thing I really need to still get used to is the fact that I am not the same person I was at the beginning of the year. That reality might still take awhile to acknowledge. The one who needed the extra seat belt on the plane. The same one who looked grey and ashen and couldn’t walk and, and, and, and…
As we approach a new year … in a look back to Sera in January 2015 to Sera December 2015, tell us what shift has meant the most to you, your psychological, your physical or your emotional changes and why? Or examples of each area that mean the most to you.
Physically – it was going from a 3xl, down to a Large. I literally lost over A FOOT of body mass around my waist alone. Since June 1. A FOOT. I lost over the width of my laptop in circumference in the last 214 days. That’s more than a regular standard grade-school length ruler. I’m trying to put this into a perspective you’ll be able to visualise easily, and I hope you can imagine just what kind of difference that is for me physically.
Mentally – it was reworking the entire paradigm shift thing that I needed to do – getting healthy meant GET. HEALTHY. I know that seems vague, but it isn’t. It’s multiverses stacked on top of one another kind of deep. I had to come to terms with the fact that I wasn’t able to sit on the sidelines of life anymore. I had to actively force myself to stand up, and then actively force myself to stop thinking the negative thoughts.
This is a process that is overwhelmingly exhausting, but the largest source of pride I think over all, as that shift is now growing steadily, permanently, and irrevocably in the “I am worth oxygen” kind of mindset.
Emotionally – I. am. AWESOME. And I can handle my faults, my emotions, my actions, thoughts, deeds, motivations, etc. because of that fact. I have pride in myself that I was always told was wrong to have.
I was convinced, even within myself, that I had to be modest and not be conceited and never appreciate the good things I did.
Due to those issues, and a host of others, I was (still am at times) ruled by the negative monologue (you have come to know as Feral Felicia) that has wandered beside me (queue the Dexter “dark passenger” idea without the stabby stabby part) all my life. I did this. It wasn’t so I could impress anyone, and it certainly wasn’t to show off. I did it and I am so over the freakin’ moon proud of myself, for everything I’ve accomplished this year.
Financially – there is a sense of stability I haven’t had, being able to eat three meals a day. This isn’t even about the quality; I’m talking about the simple fact that I’m in a position for the first time in my entire life, that I have consistently eaten three meals a day for now over six months. And yes, I realise someone is going to jump to the extreme and be like “oooh, but you ate like that when you were a baby and a little kid and when you were growing up!”
Nope, not even then. *points* Stunted growth due to severe malnutrition. Being poor sucks, not gonna lie. I’m not in any position to brag about the cashflow, as we still go pay cheque to pay cheque, but I am eating three meals a day, and consistently, routinely, and happily able to say that comes from being able to make healthy choices that are financially feasible as well.
You have peeled back the petals of the beautiful flower that you are and looked in between with such honesty. Checking for bits of dirt that collected over a lifetime.. and we all have them. What bits of “dirt” have you used to sow a new area of growth, another bud to bloom from?
Seeds of growth: well, simply put, I have my DayLites. I am so proud of how much my simple desire to make my days better, has influenced and inspired others to want to do the same thing. This is honestly the greatest reward for me, because I have seen, been party to, and know I shall continue to grow with my fellow DayLites.
We have some who are now “old hat” at this #100days thing, and others who are lacing up their shoes for the first time. Each one I am hoping to get to know, cultivate friendships, tend and prune where needed, (sadly, as I have had to do already during the last iteration), and shine on them through motivation, so that all is good and fantastic and… AWESOME.
The dirt that remains is something I will constantly try to fix and sweep and tend to properly, though there are going to be times that I stumble sideways across the weeds of doubt and discouragement. As I said before, not being perfect isn’t the problem: being too afraid to try is though. You have to stand up before you can run, and you have to be willing to see that you need to ask for help when you’ve fallen down. I don’t expect others to carry me, and I refuse to carry someone else.
I am however very willing to do for others what I know they are willing to reciprocate, plus some. I know what people are capable of, and some *cynicalpixie tone* are only wanting to take and take and take and blame and guilt and whine instead of doing something (pro)actively for themselves.
I refuse to let others set the mood for my day, and will demand that everyone bring the same level of honesty to their workouts, steps, meals, sleeping habits, thoughts, etc. that I have. I wouldn’t ever suggest someone do something I myself wouldn’t do as well, especially if it requires them to do something so drastic as change their life for the better.
We are our best when we are honest with ourselves. I want to have everyone be the best THEM that they can possibly be, as much of each day as they can be.
You have mentioned your fear of success and as you close out December do you have some advice for others on some ways you feel you have been able to surpass those fears? Consciously or subconsciously.
I’ve had to openly, consciously acknowledge and fight the fears. That’s part of the reason I started to write these weekly reviews: accountability.
I love the fact that I am able to see so many visual reminders (not just these kickin’ clumsy curves I’m carvin’ outta the caboose), and share them with everyone… but I’m extremely awkward about it, and always feel like braggypixie when I start. I’m working on that, and hopefully this coming year, I’ll be even bolder and happier with sharing the good things.
I haven’t had anyone telling me I had to hit a particular checkpoint, or do an extra 10 sit-ups, but knowing that I committed myself to this writing made me focus on what it was I needed to achieve. I’ll be completely honest: I am probably the most extroverted introvert you’re ever going to meet. On this screen, I can bounce around and flit and float and flutter between pages and mines and pixel arts and various things, but I get desperately awkward in live social situations.
I’ve opened tradeshows for over 25,000 people before, but I stumbled (literally) up the stairs to the podium I set up.
I used to sing in front of hundreds of people in competitions, and would get so messed up with the fact I could do something silly (even though I don’t recall ever missing a word or beat), I would routinely unplug the microphone (yeah, I’m that old), and have to chase the cord to plug it back in for the judges to still hear me.
I don’t know how to accept compliments, and am extremely odd (not just my socks being different!) to the point of social discomfort. “Have a great workout!” one of the trainers at the gym says, and I will embarrassingly reply with, “Yeah! You too!” D’oh!
We all have a Feral Felicia ((and a Felicia Day)), can you tell us some things we could practically do to combat, integrate our own dark side? Also, do you feel you have quietened her voice more lately or is she ever-present?
Feral Felicia used to live in the open most days. She would be the one constantly gnattering at me about everything under the sun that could be negative and spitefully cruel and internal. She very rarely ever sprayed her venom on others, so most of the outside world (you reading this) would never see the toxic vileness that I lived with. She was worse than any of the abuse I’ve ever withstood, because she was the one to remind me of it, and go so far as to tell me I earned or deserved it. Even with over fifteen years of therapy, she was a constant reminder of how I could become like those I got away from. Those who renamed me. Those who are part of the darkness that won’t be in my future. F.F. is the Moriarty to F.D’s Sherlock, if Moriarty was evileristic than he was, and dipped in a disgusting coating of horriblenessity, wrapped in Cruella deVil’s coat of puppies, and… yeah, you’re starting to get the idea. Just keep adding layers of vileness and you’ll get to what I have to deal with when she rears her ugly head.
Most days, I’m happy to report, that she barely even stretches and yawns inside her cage. I covered it in a blanket, shoved it in a semi-trailer’s shipping container, and buried it at the bottom of a volcano. Sometimes, she’s able to get wifi down there though, and sends messages. Other times, she seems to feed off the molten liquid and it gives her tainted wings flight to break free of the chains she is bound to the cage with.
My suggestion on how to contain your own Feral Felicia: name it. I’m so not kidding. Doing that for me was CRAZY AWESOME. Instantly, she didn’t want to be named. She thought herself to be Voldemort, and was furious with me when I called her out. Bullies don’t want to be acknowledged for their bullying, and definitely don’t want everyone to band together and stand up for themselves. So here are my 5 pieces of advice:
NAME YOURS. Don’t wait. Do it.
Acknowledge that you have good and bad things about yourself and that’s not only alright, it’s human. Even Plutonian Pixies have good and bad in them. If we were perfect out of the box, we’d never have to learn or grow or adapt or evolve into something we are proud of. We’d all just “be”. And I for one would NEVER want to just be a drone or anything. I want to be more than just (in the sense of just=merely, not just=goodness).
If… when your F.F. comes out, don’t let them keep control. YOU are in charge. Grab the keys and make sure you know where his/her/their/its cage is.
Don’t be afraid of the fact that you can’t always control your F.F., and you are having to even possibly relive or relearn things.
It might suck, but each time we do something, we do adapt to the situation.
And finally, Don’t let your F.F. rent space in your head. That’s not where you put the cage. Yes, I realise, that F.F. would technically live there due to the fact that it is a negative set of cerebral bouncings and brainings, but metaphorically speaking, since you don’t actually have the entire cast of Inside Out in your head, F.F. can indeed reside in another bodily facility. I’m thinking somewhere near the lower intestine perhaps, because pretty much all they ever come out with is waste product.
Alright, so time to get serious: did I accomplish all of my #100days V2.0 #clumsypixie #1millionsteps goals, objectives, and hopes? For the most part, I’m going to say YES.
So, let’s see…
I had my weight – anything below 15 pounds was going to be happy for me, but I’m actually very happy with the 10.5, so I’m accepting that. I didn’t lose very much weight, but 10.5lb is not bad, considering that was #2 for my #100days. That is literally 1/10th of a pound every day, plus a little to spare. I might have lost more this week, but since I forgot to check yesterday, it’s all good.
My 1/2 million steps before or by day 50, and the full million before or on day 100: – You BET I did that!
See more of New York City – Didn’t get to too many places, but I did get to a couple museums, parks, and MY TWIGA lovefests twice, so yeah, I’m pretty happy with that.
Develop stronger friendships that are honest and true and decent and real and stable and permanent: Y E S.
Inspire, motivate, and encourage others to be better versions of themselves? I feel I can easily say YES.
I look at my Ponygirls.
And so many others, and I see that I helped bring smiles to families’ faces in pictures, stories, and Facebook comments. And because of the DayLites, I’m parlaying that experience into a larger arena.
Do I think I earned my gold star? My “WIN”? Yes. Yes I do.
So… final stats time!!! **drumroll**
I want to thank everyone who has been following along with these updates, reviews, and giving their support, encouragement, kindness (and even those who need to work on constructive criticism)… it is greatly appreciated. I will be taking the month of January off from doing #100days, but I will still be writing and taking care of other fun projects.