Originally posted 2015-12-23 16:12:53.
Sometimes, you just want to have a blanket fort and watch cartoons all day long. Sadly, this past week, only 1h22m was devoted to animation of any kind, and alas, no forts were made. But… I did manage to learn a few other things in the meantime, whilst not cartooning or forting.
My Awesome Ash made me a two minute video on how to crochet. And now I crochet.
It’s nothing wild or crazy, and it will be a very very long time before I even assume to think I can call myself “proficient”, but even just “beginner” is good. In fact, it’s better than good; it’s awesome.
I also learned I’m not as much of a pushover as I thought I was. See, for most of my life, I’ve been the type who needed to people-please, and self-sacrifice, to the point of utter emotional exhaustion. Massive boughts of angry depression would overwhelm me when, after everything I had worked so hard for in the “friendship” had turned out to be not enough, I’d kowtow and try to hold onto something which would fester and become toxic and become extremely unhealthy for anyone involved.
Sadly, I had to relearn this lesson this week. The bonus was, I caught myself before I fell into the trap of trying to take all the onus on myself and instead told the person to accept the responsibility for their own actions, thoughts, and deeds. That’s when the “friendship” ended.
I wasn’t cruel, or mean. I just refused to be the blame for what they allowed to go on in their own head. The drama that continues afterwards is frustrating, but I wasn’t guilty of anything, so I don’t feel the need to defend myself, nor am I allowing it to disturb my slumbers.
The reason I point this out, isn’t to relive it or dredge it back up to the sunshine to have another go at it, but rather to show that even now, I am still having to face the darkness that haunted my life before. I used to give and give and give until I was just D-O-N-E, and then, when there was nothing but a vacuous shell left, I was proverbially left at the side of the road with a poster-board with “will doormat for friendship”.
I expect so much out of myself, though I have always set the bar far lower for everyone else. Maybe I give them more opportunities because I have made such bad choices in friendship before. Once bitten, twice more lenient? Wait… I don’t think that’s how it goes.
I’m not saying that there aren’t fantastic memories with that person. On the contrary; I seriously was dreading that I felt like there were warning signs.
Flat out trying to ignore them in fact, I was going to extremes trying to make sure that I was just overthinking reactions and passive aggressive comments, not to mention the excuses and the dramatic cries of attention.
I had to stand up for myself. I am quite proud of this fact, as this means that while I have yet again lost a “friendship”, what I have learned from it is paramount to my future happiness. I am able to see those warning signs, and I know now that the words “doormat” and “sucker” and “sap” and “coddler” can now be shifted into the “done” category, as that life lesson, though I am sure I’ll live through it again and again still, is finally being learned.
Someone told me recently that they think I only have a few types of people in my life. “Inner Circle” are those who are allowed to know the daily and intimate and privately wonderful and great (not always happy, but it is all truthful – even if they don’t see all the facets of me – I don’t think anyone could handle seeing the full on of Pixie… and I’m only slightly kidding at that. There are days even I don’t want to see me!); there are “Close Friends” who are allowed to know more than others, but haven’t (yet) been given the key to the Inner Circle clubhouse; then “Acquaintances”, “Strangers I know”, “Strangers I used to know”, and “Strangers”.
The reason I point this out, is that they’ve noticed over the past (over a) year, that I don’t talk about “old friends”.
I have a few on my Facebook friend’s list, but the majority of people from my past are going to stay there.
One person on my list has known me since I was very young, and I’m delighted that can call him a surrogate brother.
We can go for almost a year without talking, and we did for several years in fact a few times, but it’s always peas and carrots when we are chatting and catching up.
The kind of inner circle goodness that comes from being able to have those stretches of time and no worries about how the other feels or anything.
I have to chuckle now, as this makes me think of several instances lately, when my current Ponygirls and I have been on Skype and over ten minutes passes without one of us speaking.
We’re all just doing our ‘thang’ and it is brilliant.
Just hanging out, enjoying each other’s company, and chatting when the muse doth striketh. This has now happened on three separate occasions, and each time a lengthy pause occurs, one of us fondly notices and comments, bringing smiles all around.
We are best, when we are being our best. I don’t claim to ever know all the answers, nor do I want them all. If I had all of them, it’d be time for me to check out, and I have no plans on doing that for a good long time!
See, part of this, and all of the #100days, is to find some awesome within myself, and share that with the world. I’m delighted that this is something that is happening, trust me. I’m not just losing weight or changing my eating habits – this is a journey that helps me discover who I am, who I should be, and who I want to be.
I’m going to be stumbling sideways through everything. I make mistakes, and have to learn from them. That’s why this makes everything that much more rewarding though: seeing these AWESOME changes and crossing these checkpoints and reaching these various vistas to see how to be the best possible me I can be each day.
It might sound trite, or even cliche, but I’m proud of the fact that people (for the most part at least) consider me a positive force in the [known] inhabited universe.
Do I have bad moments, where I pull the pin on F.F.’s cage door and just say “Have at’em, Feral Felicia!”? Of course I do.
I’m not all sunshine and daisies, but I think I’m far more the kind, compassionate, giving Hufflepuff Pixie, rather than a creature only Hagrid could love.
I am learning to love myself, and that doesn’t mean that I have to be malicious or cruel to others in order to get to that stage.
Quite honestly, that’s the worst means of delivery system on learning how to love yourself, and if that’s the method, no thanks. I would much rather enjoy the hope that I am encouraging others, not at the distress of myself anymore though, to be the best iteration of them they can possibly be as well.
I won’t make excuses for being strong enough to say “no, you need to own this and take responsibility for your own actions and thoughts and deeds”. I will however hold my head up, dust myself off, and move onward, seeing that I succumbed to my curse again.
I like to rescue people. I have had to be cognisant of that fact, and actually stare it in the face these past few weeks. Not just one person, but several.
I want to fix the world, but the Chaotic Good Rogue Creature-Bonded Plutonian Pixie doesn’t always carry healing potions with her, and sometimes hurtles a potion of strength instead, hoping for a positive outcome, but instead rolls a 1 and ends up sending it as a weakening assault.
Friendly fire so to speak. I’ll just try better the next time. At least I didn’t do anything horrific like set a mountain on fire or something.
This week was full of awesome things too though. I caught up on my steps, and even outdid the prerequisite goal (70,000 was the weekly expected target) – by almost 26,000 steps.
Sounds all wonderful and things, but I have to admit, I’m still a long ways from my finish line. If I can do another week like that though, heading into my final 11 days, I’m gonna be fantastic and definitely primed to hit the goal. It just means longer at the gym, since I’m not going out as much to any fancy dancy places and seeing the sites right now.
We were going to head to the Bronx Zoo again yesterday, though the temperature was frigid and that wouldn’t have bode well on the boy’s neuropathic issues due to the oxyaliplatin/chemotherapy treatments he had during his cancer. Maybe next Saturday, if it’s open, considering it will be December 26. I’m hoping I get to see my beautiful twiga again before the end of the year, but I’m alright if I have to wait.
We got our 3d printer (finally!) and so far we’ve made the test pattern (Kaylee claimed that as a toy almost immediately after it was taken out of the printer box), a funky hand that holds things on a wall (ie keys, etc.), an octopus (of course that would be what we make off the hop!), and it’s distracting me so much with its awesomenessities that I can’t even function properly in the writer-pixie mode, among other things.
It’s part of a kickstarter program that the boy supported over a year and a half ago, and as of this week’s publish time, the motor had burnt out after only 8 objects made… that’s not a very good design, and hopefully it is fixable. We’re sending it back on Monday to get repaired/replaced.
I’ve finally cracked the 280 mark. I checked that scale four times, no joke. The second time was with a bit of “yeah right, check that again!” F.F. input.
Third time was with a growing smile on my face, and the fourth time, was with actual honest tears in my eyes.
I did it.
I passed that infernal marker, and now I am so beyond the moon delighted that it is all about making the right choices, sticking with what I am doing and going beyond to make sure I am being the best me I can be, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
The financial and other bits of “me” can wait until I’m published and in a different place and swimming regularly, etc. I’ve only now just realised that I missed week 12’s pic of the stats, so you can see I did in fact do them, I just forgot in all the awesomenessities to actually pop that in here.