Week 9 in Review – Sera’s #100days of Fitness


Originally posted 2015-08-11 14:27:45.

Technically, the walk I showed off in last week’s review (of 16,000+ steps to Central Park) was the start of this week, but I wanted to focus on something different for this one.

Not only am I changing my physical, but I’ve mentioned that I am altering my entire lifestyle. That includes the mental and the emotional scripts as well.

Some days, these are harder to do than tying my shoelaces and walking out the door when I’m on my “girly time” and have wicked cramps. I’ve always been “the big girl”; the “smart girl”; the “nice personality girl”; and “the good girl”. These are all fine and well when they are said with the proper inflection and meaning, but as many of us are sadly aware, not everyone says those types of statements with a kind or gentle tongue. It’s a struggle for me not to become defensive even now, and I’m a grown woman who honestly *TRIES* not to care what others think.

Boromir doesn't mince his words...

Boromir doesn’t mince his words…

Let’s face it: no matter how much we all throw that defensive armor on, and triple reinforce our wall of shame or protection or whatever we want to call it, deep down inside, we all have that part of us that craves to be told (genuinely) that we are adored, beautiful, admired, and even more to the point: accepted.

We all want to be “the cool kids.”

 

It stands to reason that we want to be included as a group member in fun things and discussions.

People ‘throw shade‘ (I love this term!) on one another to deflect what they don’t want to deal with. Some see themselves as weak, so they bully the ones who appear unable to protect themselves. Others take a superiority tactic, in order to treat someone as inferior for intellect, financial, physical, or even emotional status. Case in point, I have wandered through most of my life feeling like I was the odd ugly smart fat poor duckling who was 2 clumsy paces behind everyone. Shhhhhh, I’m okay now. Well; maybe not okay, but more okayish than I was last week, and certainly more okayish than I was last year at this time (though in retrospect, the hubs was visiting me in Halifax at this time, so I was pretty happy about that, though after I began my spiral into hibernation hardcore)… yeah, I walked away on you on that one, sorry. Focusing.

If you’re taking pity on a girl who has spent the (now) last 68 days working on changing that mental view, please don’t worry about me. This experience has been a cathartic journey, not to mention the physical adventure I am on. I accept that things won’t always be super-awesomely-fantastical, but I’m better equipped now to handle the low points when they arise.

I’m proud of my uniquenessities (true word, 100% Pixienese!). I always have been to be honest.

my spirit animal, Felicia Day, talking about being accepting your potato bumps.

My spirit animal, Felicia Day, talking about accepting your potato bumps.

This isn’t about me looking for sympathy. This is about how I’ve changed the mindset as well as the eating and sleeping and exercise.

The negative thoughts still pound around inside my brain; they’re just not getting the same air play as they did before. I refuse to allow them to take over and make me worry and stew and depress.

I'm thinking of something clever

I’m thinking of something clever

“You can’t do it, so what’s the sense in trying?” Doesn’t get the same attention now as “Sera, you can do this! I know you’re tired, but look how far you’ve come already!”

*and yes, I do actually have these and several other types of conversations with myself.*

True story time: it’s hard for me to ‘fit in’, as I never know how I am to be “taken”. I am so clumsy, it’s surprising that I’m able to get through a day without breaking limbs constantly. I start thinking of all the ways I could include others in a conversation and go mute in the process. I stumble over my words, trying to find the best one, so I’m not sounding like I’m a thesaurus, or uneducated, or well, vapid or dumb or………… We all overcompensate for things in different ways. I tend to depreciate myself worth in front of others, because if I do it, I take the sting and power potential away from them possibly doing it to me. That uncomfortable awkwardness that comes from being in a new group interaction.

Let’s face it; self-bullying tactics are not only unhealthy, they are downright detrimental to our well-being.

“Hi, I’m fat, smart, short, awkward, clumsy, ugly, and opinionated.” sigh

Really? Wow, and here everyone thought I was just “Sera.” Fun how we put more labels on ourselves than a can of soup, eh?

Yes, I’ll stop and address the two things that you’re glaring at your screen about.

It’s true: I AM SHORT. No, really! I can handle the truth. Besides, it’s taken me a long time to get over the fact I’m not going to be getting things off the top shelf for others.

the weeping ponies have the pony box!

The weeping ponies have the pony box!

Yes, I do consider myself to be smart. I’m well read, constantly striving to educate myself further, and can adequately talk to everyone about a plethora of different topics, from politics to economics and even celebrity details and which MLP is best (still trying to decide, but for the moment, Dr. Whooves, obviously!)

Yes, I’m avoiding the two you think I should be ‘tsk’d’ for. There’s a reason. It’s called deflection, and everyone does it for a protective coating. I don’t think I’m ugly. I am fat however. I’m never going to be a supermodel (I’m really okay with this fact), but I can tell you I do think I am becoming beautiful.

{*Never confuse this with me being able to rock out the fierce cuteness, which I can totally do, but haven’t in a long time… I think I might be close though. Stay tuned!*}

The fact that I’m *becoming* beautiful is not because I’m losing weight. It’s because I’m accepting the fact that as I change myself, I am loving who I am, and that is the phenomenal woman I’ve been told by many is who they see but I failed to for all these years.

... may break my bones... but oh, how words destroy me.

… may break my bones… but oh, how words destroy me.

It takes a lifetime of “you’re pretty” and “I love you” to believe those words are truly true, but a fraction of a microsecond, all of that can be wiped away. “Fat slob.” “Oh my stars, way to make beached whales look like skinny twigs.” “Ugly people need love too, though you’re gonna have to pay for it…” How many times have we been guilty of saying something harsh that someone might have overheard? Everyone knows that you can spend an entire day being demure and ladylike in a crowd of people, but fart once and that’s what you’re going to be remembered for.

fragileIt’s so much worse when it’s the internal bully saying these words. You stop being a friend to yourself, and end up being the worst kind of frienemy possible. You’re blatantly vicious without censoring.

Fact: I can make myself cry just with the cruel words I have imagined others could say about me (not including the ones that have been said, I don’t take responsibility for other people’s actions/thoughts/deeds/words) – I am seriously one heartless crone when I want to be hurtful.

It got to the point that I gave up trying to do anything special for myself, and that included hygiene. What’s the point in staying clean if no one wants to be around such a despicable creature?

I know; this isn’t the most pleasant review, but it is honest, and is as I believe, necessary. You need to see the details in order to understand just HOW FAR I have overcome things. For the record, I didn’t get to the point where I was so hideously unclean that I was an actual ditch-pig. I just didn’t take care of things to the same extent as I do now. (I’ll spare you the “EEEEWWWWWW, Sera!” kind of details. You’re welcome.)

I’m not going to deny the fact that I need to seriously lose weight just because society has an issue with the words “fat, obese, heavy,” or other inferences to body mass though.

I’m not ashamed to be a “big girl.” In fact, within the next 4 to 6 sizes,

soon....

soon….

I will be at what I consider my “rockin’ awesome body”, and I’m proportioned like a miniature hourglass and BAM bammbammBAM BAM!

I’m kickin’ the cute in all the right curvy places. (Yup, I miss that, and that’s what I’m aiming for!)

My mental health is challenged regularly still, trust me.

These last 68 days haven’t undone a lifetime’s worth of “smart girls aren’t pretty” or “fat girls don’t get love” or “poor girls can’t have fun adventures”… this script is old, tired, and has been playing in my head for long enough.

I’m editing my life story, but it’s going to take awhile. Bear with me please.

don't try this at home. no one wants to kiss you after, except the frog.

Don’t try this at home. No one wants to kiss you after, except the frog.

Some scars aren’t visible to the world, and take more than a few layers of smoothing cream to remove, but slowly I’m learning how to tuck them away. I will get there.

The one thing I’ve learned in all of this is how others truly see me. I’m hearing from people who are inspired by my journey, and want to see the next phase of how I challenge myself.

I’m surprised that I am having any affect over anyone at all, but it makes me so happy that someone can see this journey, this change, this lifestyle alteration, and want to revitalise their own world, so that their tomorrow is better as well.

Not only do I completely support them when I learn of this, I become one of their most ardent supporters, cheering them on. Whether it be #100days to get fit and healthy, or #30days to quit smoking, or #50days to make a change in not only their life, but their childrens’ lives as well. I am RAH-RAH-RAH-pixie of honest encouragement and championing delight.

One dear friend says hang in therethat these weekly updates are like a movie, as she already knows the back story (our friendship has been the book version apparently) and this is the Hollywood-esqued version. Not that it’s being modified or altered with CGI, but a lot of the potential harshness and reality has been smoothed over for everyone’s protection and sanity (like the hygiene… yeah you get it).

She’s been there through the hard times that I’ve mentioned. She’s offered support and encouragement when I claimed I was “fine” and “okay” and “hanging in there.” She, among others, has been one of the greatest support systems that I could ever possibly hope for, and I never get enough words in a day to tell her, or anyone else who has been there for memirror through any part of this, how sincerely gratefully appreciatively thankful I am for their love, words, and friendship. I am better because of who my friends are.

I have friends in my world that are lending support and encouragement and kudos and respect and delighted “I’m proud of you, girl!” moments that bring me to Happypixie tears daily.

Not to sound too vain, but these are the people I reflect on now, when that initial image in the mirror still wants to trouble me.

I think of them, and their beauty, and realise that I couldn’t possibly be resoundingly hideous and have the most beautiful, loving, incredibly devotedly loyal and loving friends in all of the universe. data

It just doesn’t add up at all.

Their devotion and friendship is showing me that I am more than just a source of humour or shoulder for them to lean on during harder times.

That two-way friendship is still new to me for the most part. I have worked very diligently in the last few years to rid myself of toxic people.

As I mentioned before, the Some Awesome Minecraft Community is very dear to me for a variety of reasons. Many of which are specifically about people. Like Pinghighscore (aka Pingpingpingypoos or simply fabuloustically wonderful, Ping).

this is us in a nutshell. Ping & Pixie and all the kittens!

This is us in a nutshell. Ping & Pixie and all the kittens!

Yup, I’m droppin’ names.

A quick shout out to her, for the amazing support and encouragement I’ve received from her, as well as others (Nae and Kat and Starry and EL and Caff and Troll and and and…, I’m not leaving you out of this!). The reason I want to spotlight the Lady Pingers is over the last 68 (now 69 as I’m finishing this on Sunday, August 9th) days, we have become even closer, and that friendship has helped me recognise many areas I do admire in others and wish to emulate myself.

free hugsI believe we are only as good as those we surround ourselves with, and that reflection is who we show to the world. If I’m correct, and I truly hope I am on this, I’m proud of my friendships, the deep inner circle of goodness and humour and kindness that abounds within these relationships of loyalty and decency.

Simply put: since I removed the negative in my life, I’m able to align myself with those who are not only positive, but inspiring as well. I am definitely growing into my desired life perspective, and with it, a sense of self devotion, appreciation, and a proper mirror that pays a dignified (hopefully!), respectful, and genuine homage to my friends. This journey is showing me I can be a pretty decent friend to myself, and in turn, be even better to those I adore and care about.

There’s also something that our sweet Ping has requested I show, and that’s how I record my measurements. *True story: this is NOT a picture of me, just in case you’re wondering – I have dreads, I’m not that tall, and tbh, I’m not two dimensional.*  I know; shocking, eh? (<< Oh look, the Canadian does a “thing” again.)

where I measure for stats (and where my trainer does once a month)

Where I measure for stats (and where my personal trainer measures once a month).

Week 9 Reward: Re-dyed my hair (Remember that red I did as week 1? Well, I got two packages in the deal), and I spent Friday (Aug 7th) working on Pinghighscore’s #Day50 reward for her own #100days. I realise that sounds like I didn’t actually “get” a reward in particular, but considering the fact that our friendship means more to me as the days go on, it was a reward to do something I love so much, and for someone I truly care about. You’ll have to wait to find out what it is though, because she reads this, and I don’t want to spoil the surprise for her.

Have a truly fantastic week everyone!

 

Happily stumbling sideways through life, always hoping for a better tomorrow.

 

Sera Hicks on Blogger
Sera Hicks
Creative Journey Leader, Intern Supervisor, Admin, Writer at Geeks and Geeklets
Geeky Hobbit-loving Whovian. Lover of chocolate, cats, and crafty things. Writer, Creative Journey Leader. It has to be better tomorrow.