Week 8 in Review – Sera’s #100days of Fitness


Originally posted 2015-08-05 13:54:49.

I hate crowds.

I mean, full on Feralpixie when I’m near more than say, ten people at once. I might seem very gregarious and even social butterfly online, and even in extremely intimate settings, but more than three people, and unless I’m familiar with the others in a very relaxed setting, I totally become Fluttershy.

hiding is always best, right?

Hiding is always best, right?

Let me put this into perspective for you. I lived in Edmonton for awhile, and had always wanted to go

salutations!

salutations!

to the West Edmonton Mall (one roller coaster inside the mall is the size of 48 blue whales back to back!)

w.e.m. with details

w.e.m. with details

At 5.3 million square feet, the Mall is the size of a small city and is accredited as a zoo. West Edmonton Mall is home to more than 800 stores and services including nine world-class attractions, two hotels, over 100 dining venues, the widest variety of one-of-a-kind retailers, and entertainment for all ages. ((details from the w.e.m.’s own website.))
Anyway, what I was getting at, was that I had always wanted to see it [W.E. Mall] with my own eyes. What I didn’t count on was that I’d be step mom to two teenage girls who just “NEEEEEEEDED” to be at the mall every weekend at least. Sometimes more than that, if there was money to be found in their wallets from allowances and such, I’d be going to collect them (read: having to search the mall to find them, because they didn’t have cell phones and were never where we agreed they would be for pickup time) upwards of three times in a week. I wanted to see the W.E.Mall once. My elbows get out, I become extremely defensive, and I’m … oh, I wish ‘annoyed’ or ‘frustrated’ was even level one of how to explain my emotes on this. Velicoraptors, Godzilla, and even Cthulhu could take lessons from me.
wish I could get a top view to show this accurately...

wish I could get a top view to show this accurately…

Now that you have that idea, let me explain the Staten Island Ferry loading/unloading procedure. There are different sets of doors heading to the various ‘slips’ where the ferries dock. (Just asked the hubs how many people roughly can get on the ferry at once, and he said roughly 1500 to 2000.) Every time I’ve been on one, there have been about 400 people at least. I’m probably being very generous and under counting that, but I don’t want a latent panic attack to start, so I’ll be Delusionalpixie for a bit longer.

These people PUSH. A LOT. I’ve always been unnerved by a stranger pushing me. I get shifty and nervous and quite “pointy-edged”… I’m not a nice person to be around at all in those circumstances, fair warning.
And when that set of doors open, it’s pandi-freakin-monium and every person for themselves as they rush to get onto the ferry, as if it only has a 30 second window of time to load before taking off. *le sigh*
A large part of the reason I have always been so defensive in a crowd is due to my size. I’ve always been “fat all over” not just the “spare tire” or “junk in the trunk” kind of overweight. I am … well, as one doctor explained to me, the size I would be if I was the height I was supposed to be if I hadn’t been stunted. Great! That would be fantastic… if I was 9 inches taller like I was “meant” to be… but as I amwish fairy 5’1″ and it doesn’t look like I’m going to hit that 40yr old growth spurt as I always wish for (just kidding, I usually just use my wishes for things that are attainable, like chocolate), I’ve long since learned how to deal with my height.
I will say that things have started to change for me recently though. I go over to Manhattan about once a month. Though now that I’m walking further, longer, better, I will be increasing that, as there are MUSEUMS to be seen and Happypixie time to enjoy and places I want to see as the tourist season starts to wind down, and the kids go back to school. More time for me to play outside with the weather turning cooler as well! But I’m getting ahead of myself.
The first trek I made over to Manhattan (this year, after I moved to the States) was April 22nd. That was during the time I was still just getting sick, but let me tell you… it was brutal for walking. I had met up with a girlfriend (Ema) from London, England at the Flavors Restaurant across the street from where the hubs works.
1.3miles - nearly did me in. this was over the course of 4 hours btw...

April 22, 2015 – 1.3 miles – nearly did me in. this was over the course of 4 hours btw…

one tiny bit of that first Manhattan walk this year... April 22, 2015

one tiny bit of that first Manhattan walk this year… April 22, 2015

I ended up spending a good portion of the day just trying to catch my breath. The (1) mark (just below the “Charging Bull” is the 1 mile mark.

I had walked up to between Liberty and Fulton (there’s a McDonald’s there, and I was trying to figure out where the TJ Maxx was (*it’s actually close to the M beside Broad Street below the NYSE*).

I got lost.

And frustrated with myself. And annoyed that I was so foolish as to not been thinking things through enough to ask the hubs where it was.

I arrived on the 11:45am ferry, and aside from roughly (and I’m being super generous with this guesstimate) 2 hours of just chatting time with Ema seated at Flavors and then another little cafe near the Charging Bull, I was walking/stopping/trying to catch my breath/wishing I could just stop and lay down somewhere. The hubs and I caught the 6:30pm ferry home.

1.3 miles took me over 6 hours to do.

 

There is a reason I feel the need to explain these initial walks now.

Out of the many people that have commented (both public and privately) on social media sites, the one question I get the most is “how easy was it to start all of this [#100days]”?

My answer to them (and any who are reading this, wondering the same), is that the words grueling; miserable; difficult; hopeless; defensive; these come to mind, among many others. This was not a pleasant time for me. Not only was I physically sick, but mentally I was fighting to get past struggles and personal issues I had been dealing with all my life.

It’s not like I woke up my first day here in the States and was like “Yup, I’m good to go, look at me! A week ago, I couldn’t walk even 50 steps without losing my breath and wanting to die, but hey, now I’m here, and I’m good to go! I can do this! Look at me go 3 miles in a day!!”

These weeks leading up to my #100days were traumatic for my old way of thinking.

from home to Central Park to home again - Aug 2, 2015

from home to Central Park to home again – Aug 2, 2015

This week (now last Sunday, Aug 2 as I write this a week late!), the hubs and I decided to head to Central Park – pics will hopefully be processed soon – and I did over 16,000 steps alone that day.

I want to show everyone how it is a process that doesn’t happen over night, but it does change with determination, focus, and perseverance. I don’t ever want to become depressed again like I have been. It’s horrifyingly, devastatingly, and a seemingly insurmountable hole of despair to climb out of; one I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

I want to also explain something else.

Since all of this has started, and I’m taking control of my mental view of the world as well as the physical, I’m not as anxious as I was before. I doubt I’ll ever be the first to run into a crowd of people, and I won’t be signing up to be in a mosh pit any time soon. But as the cute boy and I stood there, waiting for the SI Ferry to take us over to Manhattan, in amongst the throng of busy tourists and workers and families with strollers and … well, everyone waiting and lightly compacting toward those doors, I smiled. I didn’t even realise I was smiling at first, let alone what I was smiling about. A teenage girl caught my attention and smiled back, and that’s when I realised. I wasn’t nervous. I … was okay. Better than okay. I was terrific! I was standing in a crowd of people, and for the first time in my entire life, didn’t feel claustrophobic, scared, agitated, defensive, or anxious in any way.

That’s great, dear!” was the reply from the hubs when I whispered this revelation to him. He smiled and that made me feel an insane rush of pride. I am really changing more than just how I am physically. I am finally becoming the person I always wanted to be. It only took me 40 years to figure out who “I” am. And I really like who I am, and I’m not ashamed to say that.

#4 - best doctor who doctor ever. shhhh you know I'm right.

#4 – best doctor who doctor ever. shhhh you know I’m right.

 

This lil’ social butterfly pixie is happy to report that Week 8’s reward was another FUNKO POP! toy – MY DOCTOR (well, not the one I’m married to, but the Doctor Who one) – #4. He’s the reason I <3 Doctor Who.

I hope you have a delightful week.

Never give up.

Happily stumbling sideways through life, always hoping for a better tomorrow.

 

Sera Hicks on Blogger
Sera Hicks
Creative Journey Leader, Intern Supervisor, Admin, Writer at Geeks and Geeklets
Geeky Hobbit-loving Whovian. Lover of chocolate, cats, and crafty things. Writer, Creative Journey Leader. It has to be better tomorrow.