Originally posted 2015-10-16 15:00:11.
Eighteen years ago you came into my life, a beacon that shone brighter than any star. Your first smile, although most would say it was a “gas smile,” those smiles that babies give when they are gassy, was a light that was bright and on fire. A spark ignited in you. As you grew, you became attached to your mother, and I must admit, I was jealous. I wanted that attention, you were so wonderful and had the ability to bring a smile without even trying. I was so proud to call you my daughter. On your 4th birthday my wish had come true and all your attention was mine. We went everywhere together: the local department store, the grocery store and the drive thru and I would roll all the windows down and you would laugh and giggle as your hair whipped around. It was so great and I wanted to live in these moments forever, how could it get any better than this? When you started Kindergarten, you were super successful, for Kindergarten that is, and this continued through every grade as you won achievements for academics and even most recently getting into Yale.
Clara, you are the light, happiness, joy, glee, the ever burning flame that guides those around you to happiness, to see your beacon is forever. You remember about three weeks ago, when we all found out that I had a rare disease. This disease was going to take your light away, which is something I thought would never happen. As the weeks passed, my vision had started to fail. I remember thinking to myself if I can just make it to Prom night everything will be ok. Prom night came, and that morning is when the “darkness,” at least that is what I call it now, took away your light. I ruined your prom night by having to go to the doctors. I know you went and said it was fun, however there is no fun in worrying about your dad on your prom night. After Prom, I have missed so much of you becoming a woman. I missed your first day of college, dropping you off and seeing you go. I have been consumed, my darling. My fire, has been taken from me. I have some thoughts about this “darkness” that I would like you to think about:
Darkness is just a test of faith, that the light will return
As I open my eyes they remain closed
As I close my eyes, my dreams and thoughts become my reality
Vision tainted with only darkness
I search for a light only to be consumed more and more by dark
I feel your beacon, but am unable to find it
I want to touch it
I want to feel it
Most importantly I want to SEE it
With my eyes only DARKNESS is there
This test I ask anyone to take
With all DARKNESS there must be light
Otherwise DARKNESS cannot exist
I know this, but I am stuck in an infinite loop of turmoil
A world without light is not a world, but a dream
My imagination guides my reality
Every sound, an image that I create
Every voice, a portrait I paint
Every touch, my canvas
All I see is inevitable DARKNESS
Infinity is utter ruin, where has my light gone?
Why did my LIGHT leave me?
Clara take my light and carry it with you for I have lost it, and I am afraid I will never find it again. Instead of corrupting it, I pass it to you. Take my light and make it bright again. The memories I wish to remember are with me forever and I was the maestro to your heart song. Your guiding light, let me be with you eternally and always repel the dark. Know this Clara, I love you and will always remember you at your brightest and will carry your light beyond this darkness. Goodbye my darling little girl.
Love Always and Forever
Tears covered the paper as Clara read the letter left by her father, a single lit candle shining bright in a dark room, casting a faint glow over her father’s body. A picture of her tightly grasped to his chest, and a smile on his face.