To my Bug,
You are the strongest person I know. The only person I love and the best person that I could ever share this adventure with. I cannot wait to run through the rainforest, climb the tallest mountain, and hike the Pacific Crest Trail with you. We are going to travel the world. The world is our oyster! Ours for the taking!
I know there is pain, I know there is hurt. Right now might just be the most painful experience of your life. Never forget this pain. This is real pain, but you will get over it. You will grow from it. All of this will make you a better person in the end and you will be able to walk and run and live all your dreams. Make sure you do not ever forget where you came from, where we came from.
These dreams, small to others, are the biggest and the best I could ever hope for. I promise that I will not do any of those without you, even if I have to carry you with me.
Soon we’ll be together again forever and the Superhoodie will be with us the whole way.
“When thinking about life, I do not really like the beginning or the ending. See you do not really remember the beginning. Being born and probably the first four years of your live are a total blur. And the ending, well it’s the end. Who wants to die? So what is left? The middle? The middle is all muddled in jobs and the 9 to 5 and kids and cleaning and bills and money and the list that will never seem stop. It just piles on you until you cannot breathe and you think that if you move one way or the other it will all come crashing down around you. When do you get to be you? When do you ever get to take a moment and smell the roses?
So what is the point? What is the point to this entire thing called life? I will tell you, lava. Lava is the point. Allow me to explain.
When I was younger, Nanny showed me a video on the internet about, bare with me, a singing volcano. He was alone in the ocean and sang everyday as he watched the animal couples swim by him.
I have a dream, I hope will come true
That you’re here with me and I’m here with you
I wish that the earth, sea, the sky up above-a
will send me someone to lava
Finally after singing that song for years and years the fire in the volcano’s heart went out and right when he was about to die and go down into the sea, a lady volcano popped up right in front of him, but she was facing the wrong way and he fell into sadness as he sank into the sea. Being as this was a kids short movie, it obviously ends happily with the volcano’s uniting in song, but that moment, that one single moment of despair burned into my brain.
I do not know why I think about this now, standing here in front of all of you. I do not know what I am hoping to achieve but….” I sucked in a deep breath, “everyone needs love. Everyone needs to feel wanted and appreciated and like they matter to someone more than life itself.”
I looked to Clover, who was sitting in the front row of the crowd, “It can be scary to be alone, it can be scary to learn to walk again, learn to love again. But it can be done. Do not lose hope. Do not lose yourself. Do not be afraid to love. Sometimes the one you love the most is the one that needs you the most. Thank you.”
I smiled and walked down from the stage into the arms of my sister and Nanny. The applause from the crowd was fierce thought most of them probably just thought I was nervous rambling. I did it. I finally did it. Graduating with honors, who the fuck woulda thought huh? “Trilly! I am so proud of you!” Clover’s embrace was tight and fierce.
“My sweet grandbabies. So smart and amazing.” The tears were welling up in Nanny’s eyes.
“Oh Nanny.” I patted her on the shoulder. School was hard for me. I had to work at it and it was not easy between surgeries for Clover, therapy, my crazy parents, working multiple jobs. But i finally did it. I could start my life in the police force and do some good while I followed in Poppy’s footsteps. I wondered if he would be proud of me now too. “Now, let’s go get some FOOD!” I grabbed them both by the hands and linked all of our arms together.
“I cannot believe that you remembered that song from all those years ago honey. You were just a little thing when we used to watch it and you would cry and cry.”
“Oh please Nanny! I do not cry. Don’t you remember I am made of emptiness! Oh oh, and I have no soul. I almost forgot about that part.” Clover laughed as I repeated the words my mother would spit in my face.
“Ho ho! Trillium! You are so bad! Besides young lady, you did cry. And so did I for that matter. Heart wrenching stuff that was. Not like the crap they put out today.”
“Language Nanny!” Clover said with a laugh.
“I will have to make sure of that in the future. A lady is always proper.”
We walked and I listened to Nanny and Clover laugh and giggle at the silliest things. How did we get here? I often wonder that question when we are having these nice peaceful moments in life that are so ordinary to everyone else and so special to us. The pain and anguish seemed like a lifetime ago and yet there were times when I was watching very closely that I saw a small misstep when Clover walked. Or noticed the way that her foot turned out when she was tired. Those small things would pull me back to reality and make these moments feel like a dream.
“Now Clover you know what will happen if you eat only ice cream for dinner.” My mind left the fog and slammed back into reality. Normal things: Nanny telling Clover and I that we could not eat just sweets for dinner.
“Tonight!” I stated as I helped Nanny get into the car and opened the back door for Clover, “we will dine on only sweets as we celebrate my graduation!”I ran around to the driver’s side and hopped in, “besides, I’m paying and driving soooo.”
I was going home for the first time in days, it was really hard to be in the presence of all the cameras, especially when your mother made you out to be a villain. She told everyone I was unstable, abusive, and made up all these lies surrounding my history. I was not a violent person, but I was angry. And the “fans” ate up the drama. The “ungrateful child” or “the spoiled sister” were just some of the names that were thrown in my face by the paparazzi.The magazines would take clips from the show when I was at my lowest and they would berate me. I hated to go out in public. I hated to be around other people.
But I did it. I stumbled through my classes and and the taunting that came with walking through the halls. My sister was the prize child and I did not hate her for that, but I hated the way that my mother claimed to love her. She didn’t. My mother would sit by her side the moments the cameras were one but when they turned off she would bolt out of the room. The camera men saw it, as did the producers, but no one could say anything with the contracts in place. I saw the look of pity they had in their eyes and they witnessed the lie that was our family.
It was my first Friday back at school since the surgery, since the news. I was keeping my head down and trying not to look anyone in the eye, including my teachers. They never called on me though, not since I had been back. So I continued to keep my head down and take notes. I ate lunch alone, all my friends abandoned me, but I was fine. I had Clover and Nanny at home. I could weather this storm.
It was raining as I started walking home, I was too afraid to ride the bus home and I did not own a car yet. Pulling my hood up, I kept my head down to stop the rain from splashing my face. There was a chill that reached all the way to my bones. “Well well well, if it isn’t the one who got away.”
I stopped walking as I heard Jesse’s familiar voice ring in my ears. My heart began to race as I looked up to meet Jesse’s face, and the face of Matt and others. So many others. Seven in total by my count. “What can I do for you Jesse?” I shoved my hands in my pockets and stood up straight, making sure I stood tall in the face of them all.
“You are going to make up for what you did to me.” Matt sneered.
“You started it Matt, you harassed my sister. My disabled sister.” I scoffed, “A big boy picking on a little girl. I just brought you down to her level. Besides, I was not talking to you. I was talking to Jesse, the only one here with a little sense.”
Matt stormed over towards me, the rain was splattering off his shoulders, creating a mist from his body heat and rage. “You are a little bitch you know that.”
“Back the fuck off Matt, or I will knock you down again. Maybe even break some of those pretty little teeth.” I smiled at him, feeling the rain pour down my face.
Jesse walked up beside Matt and placed his hand on Matt’s shoulder. The five other boys closed in on us too. “Matt, I don’t think Trill meant any of that. I fact, I think that she was just about to apologize for all the pain she caused you. I think she was going to make it up to you with that pretty mouth.”
I shook my head in disgust, “what happened to you Jesse? You turned ugly on the inside. You used to be kind. Oh wait, that kindness stopped the moment you thought you were going to get a blow job and you made that beast harass my sister.”
Jesse took a hard step towards me, grabbing my face in his hands. “I loved you Trillium. I wanted to be with you, and fuck, I cared for you.” He kissed my lips hard and I felt the tears spring to my eyes. “We could have been together forever. I could have gotten you away from this hell of a life.” His lips were on mine as he whispered the words. I could feel our bodies tremble in the cold rain. “I don’t want to do this.” He stepped back from me and he lowered his gaze.
Matt and the other boys closed in on me. “Jesse, no. Please Jesse, don’t let them do this.”
Matt ripped my hood down and grabbed me by my hair. I closed my eyes as the first blow landed on my stomach. I doubled over in pain and instantly felt like vomiting. Matt pulled me to a standing position as I felt blow after blow from the boys around me. They were not just punching but grouping me as I stood there helpless. I felt my shirt rip and the cold rain hit my flesh. I kept my eyes closed tight so I could not see, envisioning happier times, a happy life. I tried to smell the flowers and the sun but all that was there was blood and sweat.
“Jesse, man, you should come over here and get a piece of this. I know that you regret not hooking up with her after all these years. And look at those tits, thats a nice rack she got on.” a hand went in my bra and grabbed me.
“No!” I screamed and began to fight against the men touching and hitting me all over. I flung open my eyes and tried to kick and lash out at whoever I could. I saw Jesse look up at me from behind the group. “Please, stop them.”
Jesse’s eyes darted away and Matt threw me down onto the ground. He straddled me and two of the other boys held down my wrists. I bucked hard against his body weight, trying to throw him off. He was too heavy and there was too many of them. “Let’s see if you are still a virgin,” he began to unbutton the top of my pants.
I just had to close my eyes again. I had crawl within myself and hide. Hide from my mess of a life. “Stop it Matt. This was not the deal.” I sprung my eyes open to see Jesse pulling Matt off me. “Cmon, they just wanted her messed up, not raped.”
They? Who was he talking about. As soon as they let me go I wrapped my shirt around my chest and held my knees tight to my body. “Ha! You know what, you are right Jesse.” Matt pulled out money from his back pocket and threw it at me. “You tell your mom that this one was on the house.”
I watched them walk away and stared hard a Jesse who kept looking back at me. My face, stomach, ribs, everything ached. Blood poured out of my nose and mouth and my eyes felt like they were on fire. I coughed and gasped with pain as I slowly stood and walked to my house. Everything was hurting. Everything was on fire. I needed a doctor, but first I needed to let them see what they did to me. I needed to show them that I could not be brought down. I wanted to spit in my mother’s face the blood that she made me bleed.
Mother cut up the SuperHoodie into pieces and left it on my bed so that I could find it.I was glad that I found it before Clover did though. It would have broke her down and I do not know how she would have explained it to all the cameras. I wiped the blood from my face, pretty sure my nose and orbital socket were broken. I could still not see straight out of one of my eyes and my nose made a whistling noise as I tried to breathe. The camera’s attacked me when I walked into the house, asking me question after question. I just ignored them. I changed my clothes and packed my bag. I needed to get out of this place once and for all.
I had to go say goodbye to Nanny and Clover before I escaped this world for a while. I ran into the room that Clover basically lived in. “Trilly, what…” Clover began to question as tears started to stream down her cheeks.
I glared at all the cameras around me and then smiled at Clover,”Now Bug, hush those tears. You are my Lilliputian. No one else will ever steal that from us. Not these cameras, not anyone online, and certainly not this foul festering perfumed cunt beside you. She’s a mockery of all that is good in this world. I’m not going to live a lie. I’m sorry Clover. I can’t save you right now. I need to save myself first.” I kissed her gently in place where I always kissed her and stood up to leave as I readjusted my backpack.
“Trilly, you have our…” I looked down at Clover and saw her pointing at a piece of the SuperHoodie.
I nodded, “Yup, this vicious cow beside you decided to CUT IT while I was at school. I’m going to fix it. I love you, Bug. I will come back for you.”
“Miss me.” Clover whispered and her eyes welled up with tears.
“Already do. I’m not leaving you. I’m leaving THIS. I’m taking you,” I patted my backpack where the pieces of the SuperHoodie was hiding, “with me. We will be free of this someday, I fucking swear that to you on every planet and every star and every drop of water and sunlight in every universe. I love you, Bug.”
“Stop calling her that incessantly stupid childish name! She is not an insect!” Mother’s voice sliced through the air.
“Go die in a fire, Evelyn.” I could hear everyone in the room gasp as if all the oxygen was being sucked out as we stared into each other’s eyes.
Mother looked at Nanny, “If only I had agreed to the abortion you had insisted upon, MOTHER.”
“You were 14 years old, underage, and pregnant by a congressman. He bought our silence and you with bribery money, and forced me and your father to consent to the marriage and have your birth certificate and records sealed. You know you are not five years older than you claim to the world! I do not regret providing my daughter with options, so do not turn this on me that I am a horrible parent because you willingly and actively rebelled and were culpable of your own actions in the statutory rape. Your father worked his ass off to give you a better life than we had growing up in. You despised everything you came from and looked to find an out as soon as you could. I would assume you have told Richard by now he wasn’t the first rapist you seduced with lies of being older than you were? Did you tell him of the Senator? And THAT abortion you CAME TO ME FOR a year before this child,” Nanny ranted pointing at me, “was conceived? NO? Would you like to tell your doting audience how we forced you to end that affair, only for you to turn your attentions on a man over twice your age again and throw yourself at him? Go on, Evelyn. Tell the public how you spread your legs to anything with a penis and then try to shame your daughter who doesn’t want anything to do with you! GO ON, TELL THEM!”
“Who…” our father demanded storming into the great room.
“Your WIFE paid MATT and JESSE and a bunch of their fucking friends to jump me. Here, Matt said the first one was on the house, keep your money.” I slammed a $100 bill in our father’s chest. “Happy with your fucking life choices now, you spineless rapey fuckwad? I loved you, Daddy. I needed you, and you are so whipped and wrapped around her vag hairs that you don’t see the destructive abuse you’ve enabled and fucking supported since before I was even borne! I was borne of rape…” He reached out for me, but that just made here rage. “DON’T YOU TOUCH ME, YOU FUCKING PEDOPHILE! DON’T YOU EVER TOUCH ME OR MY SISTER AGAIN!!!” I turned and sprinted for the front doors, I was free.
It was time for me to start living on my own. Step one of being an adult, get to a hospital to get my wounds checked out. Step two…who knows.