Interview with a Character – Episode 14 – Sherlock’d
If this is your first time here, you’re going to want to catch up with the previous episodes!
This week, we’re interviewing the following characters:
Sherlock Holmes, Dr John Watson
Detective Inspector Lestrade.
(though there’s a special guest appearance)
What is your favorite word?
S: *sighs heavily* John, what have you dragged me into?
J: You said you’d humour me and do this. It’s good publicity.
S: I don’t need publicity.
L: *opens mouth*
S: Lestrade, do us a favour and shut up.
L: I was just…
S: …yes, yes, we know, reducing the IQ of the entire room.
J: Could you try to play nicely for once, Sherlock?
S: *sighs again* *dons fake smile with too many teeth showing* *talks through clenched teeth* ITH-THITH-BETTER?
J: *closes eyes, shakes head, and mouths ‘I’m so sorry’ to the interviewer and Lestrade.*
S: *still clenched teeth* Ratiocination. No. Defenestration. I’ll go with that one instead. Since I currently want to do the latter and no one other than me is doing the former. Ever. It’s so boring being so brilliant alone. J: HA. HA. Sherlock.
S: *resumes normal facial pose before looking at Lestrade like he is an injured newborn puppy.*
J: Sherlock thinks he’s being funny by implying he’s going to chuck one of us out the window.
L: Oh. OH! Not funny.
S: *sardonic smirk*
S: Don’t you sound like a pitiful greeting card?
J: *closes eyes again, shaking head* Not playing with you, Sherlock.
S: Do you want to learn how to do your job?
L: Why did I agree to this? John, you said he’d behave.
S: John, you didn’t tell Lestrade lies again did you? *Mimics John’s accent* Oh, look at me, I’m Doctor John Watson and I am ever so chuffed I can put my own pants on. *gets up and pretends to put on pants, purposely falling to the ground and…
*Mycroft Holmes walks in*
M: How absolutely delightful, to find my baby brother attempting to be a sweeper. Shelly, please do find some dignity and get off the floor. At least you’re wearing pants in public today.
S: *glaring at John* You…called…Mycroft?
J: Yes, I did. *smug look of satisfaction*
M: Doctor Watson, I do believe that colour of cardigan ages you several decades. Would you like us to get you a walker?
S: *smirks and tilts head, looking at John with satisfaction* Regretting that call now?
J: *nonplussed* More than you know.
L: *staring in silence at Mycroft*
2. What is your least favorite word?
M: How utterly droll of you, baby brother. What is this game anyway?
S: It’s an interview.
M: What are you playing at?
J: He just said, it’s an interview.
M: *ignoring John* Do you get to have people adore you and cheer for you? Are you that insecure now baby brother?
S: Don’t you have a war to start somewhere, Mycroft? J: *snorts*
M: For a medically trained professional, you do utter the most guttural sounds, don’t you Doctor Watson?
J: Great, both Holmes brothers are in fine form today.
M: So, how does one play this game? Do I answer with things I pretend to care about? Right, right, favourite and least favourite word. Yes, yes, yes. Well, they are both the same. Ignorance. It’s a brilliant word and means just as much as a slight as a tone of respect.
L: Wait, you’re… *gobsmacked, staring at Mycroft*
M: Yes, I’m Shelly’s older brother. By seven years. Now, please close that gaping slash in your face and move on.
L: But you’re ‘THE’ Mycroft Holmes! *whispers* Of the Government?!
M: *looking bemusedly exasperated from Lestrade to Sherlock* This is who you play with when you’re left alone to choose your friends, Shelly? A simian?
L: I’m a what? J: He called you a talking ape.
M: Well, Doctor Watson, you do have a flair for the understated.
S: Lestrade, what’s your least favourite word?
M: Oh, so you are now hosting this delightfully uninteresting interview, Shelly? S: No, Mycroft, I simply wish to move on to the next insufferable question.
M: Oh he is absolutely deliciously simple, isn’t he? *pets Lestrade’s head obtusely*
L: Gerrr’offme! *shakes Mycroft loose and glares at him*
S: *mutters something toward Lestrade that sounds remarkably like “Sorry my brother is a prat”* and then goes silent.*
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
S: A good murder. A bad murder. Murder in general piques my interest. Rarely do I have a good chance to sink my teeth into a proper twisted crime though. J: Solving a crime.
L: Solving a crime before needing to…
S: …call me in and have you solve the crime?
M: *groans dramatically* How many more of these loathsome questions are there going to be?
J: There are ten in total, this is number three.
M: Shelly, I shan’t sit through any more of this. Good day. *gets up and walks out; does not return.*
4. What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
S: Being forced to be near simple people like Anderson all day long during an investigation. J: Flashbacks.
L: Being made to feel incompetent.
S: Oh do grow a spine, Detective Inspector. For a simpleton, you are very good at some aspects of your job. All that typing and time wasting at a desk for instance; you’re fabulous at that more than likely. Well, maybe not fabulous, I’m just being kind so you’ll shut up and whinge less.
L: I am changing my answer. Feeling impotent.
S: My, my, your ego needs some inflating. Come now, Detective Inspector, you are simply the finest example of what our city can deliver for a good old billy club carrier! That has to count for something!
J: *scoffs* He’s being mean, but deep down, you know there’s a true compliment in there.
L: I know, Shelly is just a lonely bitter man with obvious family issues.
S: *bristles at the name, but remains silent*
5. What sound or noise do you love?
J: Let me answer for Sherlock. “I am Sherlock Holmes, and I love the sound of my own voice.
S: I was going to say rain, violins, and sound of absolute silence where I can hear my heartbeat, but yes, my own voice does have a particularly wonderful resonation to it, I agree. J: Thunderstorms.
L: Same as Doctor Watson.
6. What sound or noise do you hate?
S: Mycroft’s voice. Did you hear how pitchy and nasal he is? Ghastly. J: Sherlock when he’s being mercilessly cruel.
L: A child dying in agony. S: Way to make the whole room dark, Lestrade.
7. What is your favorite curse word?
S: I have no need to censor myself, so the idiotic notion that I would need to place words into a “good, bad, or otherwise” column is trite, pedantic, and utterly boring. Next Question. J & L: For Fu…
S: I said Next Question. I answered this for all of us.
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
S: What an utterly foolish question! I would make the finest grade school teacher ever. I just got bored of classes. J: *can’t hold back the laughter*
L: Loch Operator.
S: *stares at Lestrade like he has grown a second head* What in the name of Molly’s Handbag are you on about? A Loch Operator? Are you mad? Come here, Detective Inspector, I need to see if you are ill. Wait, if you are ill, get away.
L: *shakes his head and crosses his arms defiantly* I am just fine, Mr. Holmes.
9. What profession would you not like to do?
S: *waves at interviewer* This. I’d feel like I was a thief. J: Okay, please explain.
S: How much time have we wasted doing this profoundly asinine public speaking encounter? Time Thief.
L: Splitting hairs, I know, but Doctor, you haven’t answered many of the questions.
J: I’d prefer to keep it that way, it will speed things up.
L: Right, well, I’ll say Medic in a war.
S: Ooooh, John, did that touch a nerve?
J: No, I don’t want to be a medic in a war again either, but since I had been one, I can not only understand his statement, I appreciate that he chose that as his worst. Thank you Detective Inspector.
L: Hey sure.
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
J: Oh no, here we go.
S: *looks from John to the interviewer, smiles wryly and dons a fake younger accent* OH GOLLY GEE, I’M SURE GLAD YOU’RE HERE SHERLOCK!” *groans loudly, gets up, walks out* J: Sorry.
L: Is that your answer?
J: *silent for a second* Yes.
L: That was going to be mine as well.
J: If Sherlock is going to Heaven, we’re all fuc…*interrupted from shouting in the hallway*
S: I CAN STILL HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW!