Weeeeeeek 11!!!! #100days V2.0


Screenshot 2015-12-16 09.29.25In scuba diving, there’s a saying: plan the dive, and dive the plan. It’s simple to say, but yet it is profound at the same time, especially when you try to put it into practice.

Simply put, I planned this #100days to go a certain way, and for the most part, I’ve been “diving the plan”, yet I’m not seeing all of the results I have wanted to see.

I haven’t lost any weight, and in fact I gained.

But… I have hit my 500,000 mark BEFORE my 50th day, and I hit my 50,000 word count in NaNo in under a month. I have yet to hit 50,000 steps in one day, which I was totally wishing would happen, but I was deluding myself I think. Screenshot 2015-12-16 09.52.43I came close though on my birthday, though I think had I run for an hour on the treadmill (commence laughter), I would have been a sight-bit closer to that lofty goal.

This past week was definitely a physically taxing one on me though, and I let Feral Felicia come out to play instead of trying to keep her entertained with books and stories and MLP and things. F.F. was allowed to run around and wreak havoc on the world, and though she was properly chained and restrained from doing irreparable harm, she quite possibly has left her mark.

Screenshot 2015-12-16 09.54.34I’m not going to list all the possible excuses for that rotten behaviour; on the contrary, I plan on showing what my mettle is really, and take that opportunity (read opportunities) to grow and learn from my mistake(s) and better myself to be the type of Sera that I want to be, that I strive to be, and who has positive, encouraging value in this world.

I do know that the reasons surrounding F.F.’s escape are rare in my current life, and that brings me a great deal of satisfaction and encouragement.

Ever striving to get better, I won’t be lingering on the negative this week, as I have better, some awesome things to discuss!

See, I have been holding off on writing about my depression in a explanative way, trying to find the best “time” to discuss it in the proper lighting. I don’t want it to be something that makes people more sullen, but rather encourages and uplifts everyone, and I think I might finally have the perspective, especially in light of the last week’s darkness, to properly have the gratitude toward the light I have become enriched by in my daily life and want to share with you.Screenshot 2015-12-16 10.16.00

Last year at this time, I was tucked away, in Halifax, Nova Scotia, essentially hiding from the world. I rarely spoke to more than five people in a day, and usually four of them were online. I was in a hostel, waiting for paperwork to finally tell me I was officially divorced and permanently un-linked to Manitoba ever again.

That wouldn’t happen for over a month at this point last year, and in the meantime, I was carrying some pretty heavy stressors on my shoulders.

The [now hubs] boy was in and out of hospital, having been held in there until right before US Thanksgiving, and then shunted out. He was not recovering as quickly as he was hoping and I was at a loss for how to get to him to give any kind of comfort.

I tried to work on a project – it was a coffee table that was just a matte faded blood red colour – and not appealing at all – so I wanted to make it fun. It took me over  a month to do, because I would work for a few hours, get depressed at what I hadn’t been able to accomplish, and not go back to it for a week. It was frustrating for everyone to see it unusable for so long, and yet other than one person, no one griped at me about it.

(Note: when I went to grab a pic from google, expecting it to be just the front entrance, tears hit my eyes because the cube is STILL the way I left it – in its completed form! I had minimalist movies on one side, tv shows on another, and two sides had famous movie/game/tv/book quotes. Screenshot 2015-12-16 10.01.36The bottom part of the cube was left without any special markings on it, and the top was a “this is all the paint I have left on my pallette, so let’s make it rainbowishly pretty, shall we?”)

When I finally finished that piece, it hit me with such an overwhelming sense of delight. It was my catharsis cube, and I won the strength and integrity (and the overwhelming admiration for something I generally take for granted or try to downplay – my art abilities) and pride. I can do this and barely be able to open my eyes fully?

Just think what I could do if I was healthy!?

I found my true solace in the Minecraft community I love so dearly, and quickly decided that everyone I had come in contact with during the last few months of being with everyone was going to receive some sort of present from me.

first day of working on Phoofy73's build

first day of working on Phoofy73’s build

The Secret Santa event gave me a sense of hope and creativity that I was overjoyed about.

I set to work quickly, once I had the person’s name.

I spent over two weeks terraforming Phoofy73’s land, creating a ‘spa’ with steam room, sauna, tanning bed, massage table, swimming pool, bath room, private suite with bed, walk-in closet, washroom, and then up into a cafe (with kitchen and stocked pantry!), reading nook, and so much more.

most of it had been finished by this point - this is the water fountain above the cafe

most of it had been finished by this point – this is the water fountain above the cafe

I’m not even sure if she ever saw it, as there were several games that were coming out around that time and she was very excited to go into those.

I can’t wait to find out who I get this year! I have a few ideas, but until I know who it is, I won’t settle on something.

If I want to make sure they don’t see it though, I do like I did last time, and I’ll start underground!

don't worry; she's already seen it!

don’t worry; she’s already seen it!

{{as of print day, I had went a bit overboard again with this year’s project}}

My SS recipient this year was the sweet Jenndragonfly!2015-12-09_22.14.12

2015-12-11_17.24.29I made a map pic and pixel art and a Night Elf – from WoW – inspired house that has a private sleeping area and a bunch of goodies as well, plus the added bonus of a jungle tree farm (the land she shares with her fellow Team Rocket members is not in a Jungle Biome, so I figured I’d leave those there for her as well).

She loves it – and she’s not the only one who had some happy tears about how much more I did, to make up for some sadder days they and many of have been feeling, since the passing of Jackson Wilson.

{{Read the touching tribute to our sweet friend, Jackson here}}

Everything I do, I put 100% of my efforts into. I give until I can’t give anymore, and then I’m done. Just done. I guess I expect the same from everyone else; yes, I realise that not everyone works that way, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have hope!

Screenshot 2015-12-16 10.17.02This past week, while I was having what I would class as “not so good moments and examples of how the Pixie should behave and shine on the universe”, I was fully aware and owning up to those moments. I was honest about them, and was… dare I be so bold, rewarded by that ownership, to be given forgivenesses and even commiseratingishly kind remarks from my inner circle of beloveds, who were quick to see past the need for Midol and chocolate, and deal with the real issues that were surrounding F.F.’s  release.

I am ever so delighted to say that my list of names of friends has increased this week by three  because of my honesty and integrity!! SEE?

Even Feral Felicia has an indirect reaction on the world! Screenshot 2015-12-16 10.22.27

Note: I won’t be bringing her out to make new friends though, as I could have just as easily lost real friends due to her cattiness.

Thankfully, no one was susceptible to her, and Crowley arrived in time to get a leash back on her before she could do any lasting harm. I was diligent to not dwell on the negative, but rather I forced myself to see the the positive in the day. That’s the biggest hurdle for me to overcome it seems; seeing the good once F.F. has come out to toss the day in the quicksand.

Life has a way of showing us what we need to learn, but not always *why* we need to learn it. Screenshot 2015-12-16 10.26.38I’ve always joked that I think I came to Earth (from Pluto, though I literally just had to inform a friend of this fact – how she thought I was human is beyond me – I guess I do wear this shell well!) to serve as a warning to others on how not to walk through life at times. Thankfully the warning moments are growing further apart, and the ‘how to human nicely’ is starting to shine through better. I’m a work in progress, and I’m ever the more grateful for when I do stumble nowadays, to see a helping hand and a kind word, instead of… well, what I’ve been used to.

The following is something I wish I could have had help with, and I’ve been saving this for months, though I was not quite sure why until today. I’m not the only one who gets S.A.D., and I think it’s high time that I share this with you.Screenshot 2015-12-16 09.59.00

This is what I needed someone to tell me when things were bad. When the depression was horrible and brutal and scaring me to the point of not wanting to leave my house.

Yeah, I have had several times where I was hit with agoraphobia [Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets. Fear of leaving a safe place], and it’s not pleasant.

Being unable to leave your apartment for months at a time with overwhelming sensations of congnisant fear, but unable to bridge the gap between the rational and the necessary.

Going for groceries at 3am at a convenience store, is neither financially sustainable, nor is it ‘convenient.’

But I have always been the pro at “learn to adapt, until you make it better.”

Screenshot 2015-12-16 10.37.10Being poor for almost my entire life gives you a grounded sense of trying to make every cent last as long and as well as possible, because you’ll never know when you get another one.

Since no did impart this wisdom on my shoulders when I needed it most, I’m going to be the proper Auntie Pixie and give it to you now.

Hopefully you won’t need it, but if you do, it’s here.

I had to figure this out on my own, the very long, and exhaustively, hauntingly depressive way.

So I’m gonna save you some time, and share some things that I realise that some will be shocked to see can seriously change a mood/perspective/etc. and honestly be the rope or ladder or shovel or cobblestone needed to get out of the depression pit of despair – ESPECIALLY in the dark winter days.

Clothes that Fit the MoodScreenshot 2015-12-16 10.29.04

Don’t wear your bedclothes all day long. If you are still in them and you haven’t JUST awakened to the day (whatever time of day it is that you wake up, I’m giving you 15 minutes), go put on different clothes. RIGHT NOW. *taps foot* I’m waiting. Yes, you, sitting in your night shirt, thinking I don’t know you put it on at 4pm yesterday and it’s 3:45pm today… Get into a habit of clothes being for the particular role that they were designed for only. Fine; if you want to wear a dress to bed, do that, but that’s NOW the role you’ve assigned it for the day, and until such time as it is laundered, that is it’s only function.

I have been notorious for not doing this a good portion of my life. In my hibernation mode in particular, I barely ever needed to do laundry, as I was rarely wearing more than one outfit a week. Yeah, go ahead and “EWWWWW” to that, trust me, there were 0FG if you had said it to me when I was going through it though.

Screenshot 2015-12-16 10.30.27A lot of people reading this either work from home for a variety of reasons (stay at home super parent, writer, work-from-home part time and in the office part time…. etc.) and rarely think about this one fact: when you sleep in your clothes, you slough off dead skin cells as you move around.

Those carry bacteria with them, and create a smelly lil cesspool of decaying smells on your fabrics.

That’s why, even if you aren’t “doing anything” major in a day (i.e. gaming for instance) and you’re only going as far as the bed to the computer/console to the toilet to the fridge to the game again…. all of that is still shifting things around.

You’re NOT really doing much, so you reason out, why dirty another outfit? Why go so far as to open your dresser and pull out clean underwear, socks, etc. and put them on if you’re not going to be seen by anyone or go anywhere out in public?

It’s simple: you do it FOR YOU. That’s what all this comes down to.

No more wallowing. If you’ve woken up and stayed in the same item(s) of fabric for more than… let’s say eight hours for sleeping, up to 18 hours (I realise some people travel to/from work and then do a 16 hour work “day”) OR you are at home and have no plans to get up to anything, CHANGE your clothes.

Every day. Screenshot 2015-12-16 10.33.02

Out of your bed clothes, and into your day clothes.

And then OUT of your day clothes and into your bed clothes. Every. Day.

If you’re still in your night things, even after reading this far, you have no excuse.

GO GET CHANGED.

The Power of the Shower

Now, you’re probably already preparing to give this screen a foul glare, but let me assure you with this fact: if you’ve never suffered depression at this level, you don’t understand. You just do.not.care. Just like the fact that I wasn’t wearing more than one outfit a week, I was saving a lot on soap and shampoo. A LOT. Screenshot 2015-12-16 10.34.19Let me put that into perspective for you: the past two weeks alone, (and it’s currently only Tuesday of this week) I showered more than I did for ALL of April, May, June, and July.  Oh how I wish that weren’t the truth, but I assure you, it is.

It isn’t that I was afraid of the water, or even out of soap or anything. Quite the contrary.

I was “cleaning up” in the kitchen sink while doing dishes, or washing my dreads regularly, but I physically couldn’t bring myself to changing out of the bedclothes, so what was the point of getting undressed and showering if I wasn’t going anywhere?

One day became a week and all of April went by with one shower. Screenshot 2015-12-16 10.38.12

Am I proud of this?

NO!

I’m 100% raw and vulnerable right now, not one bit delighted at the fact that this is the truth. But it is important that you “get it”.

I have several friends right now who are going through boughts of depression, and I want them to understand that I GET IT, and I love them and I’m fully aware of their debilitatingly unovercomeablenessities of sadness.

Please, if you haven’t showered in over… 3 days, go do it now. You know once that water hits your face that you instantly feel that *aaaah* lift of goodness, and you’re not in your own world and your sadness is gone for that time.

Don’t worry about using all the hot water, or trying to fit into some “have to keep it to xx minutes”… do it for you. And keep doing it for you.

Brush Your Teeth & Comb Your Hair!

Screenshot 2015-12-16 10.39.04Creating a new routine will seem like a rut, but it is establishing a consistent, healthy paradigm that you can follow and be proud of daily.

I realise that it might seem that something so trite as brushing your teeth, or combing your hair, or taking a shower is something that wouldn’t otherwise be a ‘proud’ moment, but I assure you, I guarantee, that if you are hit with the depression levels I’ve seen and had to endure… ANYTHING positive is not only a huge *WIN* for the day, it’s a game changer.

Even if you’re not going to be seeing anyone physically, you need to be actively taking care of yourself.

Especially when you don’t want to. That’s when it’s vital and necessary that you become something more than what you’ve allowed to surround you.Screenshot 2015-12-16 10.41.47

There are several other points that I can bring to this, but I think this is a healthy start.

Doing these simple things can change your entire perspective on the day, and honestly can be the difference between you climbing out of your sadness shell, or dipping it in another {smelly} coat of depression-varnish.

Screenshot 2015-12-16 10.40.53I didn’t gain or lose again this week, though I am “back to basics” and focusing on my caloric intake.

I’m sure that next week’s stats are going to happily reflect this trend though.


I’m almost back on track for my steps, but I still have a long way to go before I hit my 1 million by 11:59:59 on December 31!

Screenshot 2015-12-06 07.39.48Have a great week everyone!

Sera Hicks on Blogger
Sera Hicks
Creative Journey Leader, Intern Supervisor, Admin, Writer at Geeks and Geeklets
Geeky Hobbit-loving Whovian. Lover of chocolate, cats, and crafty things. Writer, Creative Journey Leader. It has to be better tomorrow.