#100days V2.0 W4: Battle of the Internal Felicias


Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 1.40.01 PMI’ve decided to name the nasty voiced internal negative monologue, Feral Felicia. She’s a cruel, spiteful, maliciously fanged, venom-spraying menace that sits on my shoulder and taunts me. She’s the one who tells me I’ve gained 484 pounds as I head to the gym Saturday mornings. She’s the one who laughs at me if my stats haven’t improved. She’s the one who, on certain days, is in control of the rewind/flashback/playback remote that is my memory. She reminds me of every insensitive, rude, distasteful, uncouth, and mean-spirited comment ever thrown at me. Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 1.49.48 PM

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sticks and stones may break my bones…

She doesn’t insist that I go home and eat cake, though. Instead, she tells me to just sit down inside the nearest hedge and give up. She says that I’m too fat to keep walking, and I’m cracking the sidewalk with each step. I’m too ugly to be seen by society, and I will shatter the glasses of people who are unfortunate enough to glance in my direction.

She’s the one I fight against every morning to smile in spite of the fear, the sadness,  and the desire to revert and hide in the shadows. The place where you only wear baggy clothes that are black, brown or the darkest blue, so you can meld with the shadows and not bother anyone. She is weak, selfish, and miserable beyond anything I could ever wish to convey to you here. Trust me, even as I edit this, the tears are real. She knows I’m fighting to keep it together long enough to just finish this review and go clean the fridge and scrub the kitchen floor. For the sake of your sanity, I’m sparing you the graphic nature of her running dialogue of toxic hatred.

Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 1.47.14 PMI am a major supporter of Felicia Day, though. I adore what she stands for, the honesty that she demands from the world, and the fact that she wants everyone to be themselves, and embrace their weird.

Sadly, I have two spirit animals. Both of them are named Felicia, and they are mirrors of one anotherThey are incredibly ferocious to their causes, but let’s face it… I really need the DAY to win.

Feral Felicia kept me awake most of Sunday night (October 11). “What? YOU!? A MALL?? *cackles with maniacal laughter* You’ll crack the floor, fatty! Security won’t let you in, they have weight restrictions!”.

SHUT IT, FERAL FELICIA! I NEED SLEEP!!!

*cruel bullying laugh begins* “You’re going to have a billion and five panic attacks. SP is going to laugh at you and be like ‘WTF? UGH! EWWW, I don’t know her!’ She’s going to leave you there, alone. HA HA! Loser. Fatty Loser. Ugly Fatty Loser.”Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 1.52.14 PM

I get up to wash my face and take some ibuprofen, as it’s now after 2am and I am exhausted. I have a growing migraine of stress.

Leave me alone, F.F. and let me get some sleep. *yawn*

Just as I’m about to drift off again, “Hey, fat ass, why are you even thinking about going to a mall? You’re crazy. Like loopy. Insane in the membrane. You’re going to lose it so fast in there. You won’t last ten minutes without breaking down in tears!” 

Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 1.45.52 PMAfter another hour of me staring at the ceiling, “Stay home. Just hide. Oh, right… your hubs is staying home because it’s a HOLIDAY. Wow Pixie, you’re a g-e-n-i-u-s!”. I sigh heavily, but she continues.

“…deciding to go to a mall on a holiday, when every preteen and teenager with their cell phone in their face is going to be walking as fast as snails stampeding through frozen peanut butter through the mall. You’re an idiot. You think you’re still going to run at the gym today?! HA! Break the treadmill is more like it. Well, at least it will cost you your membership so you can stay home and just hibernate again, the one thing you *are* good at.”. Exhaustion overwhelms me, and I finally succumb to the Sandman’s order for the night.

Yeah, those are the highlights. The stuff I can say in front of all ages. Even though I wouldn’t want kids, teens or even other adults to know that such things happen inside my brain regularly. Screen Shot 2015-10-15 at 7.43.37 PM

5:54am came and I wiped what little sleep I had from my eyes. I went to get ready, and headed to the gym on less than three hours of sleep. All the way there, F.F. was gnattering away at me. I managed, as I usually can these days, to eventually find the volume control in my brain. I was able to reduce her level to 3 instead of the over 9000 that she usually broadcasts at.

I DID run at the gym, by the way. Four, thirty-second bursts. The treadmill didn’t break. I was sweating so hard, that I was dripping everywhere. There are cleanup stations around the gym, and I am very conscious of others, so I refuse to leave a piece of equipment without wiping it down. I ran, though. I was so proud.

I came home, showered, and got as ready as I could for the trip to the mall. Hubs started another part of the amazing curry feast he was preparing for SP and I for that night. I headed to the S.I. Ferry Terminal, waiting for SP to finish watching the parade in Manhattan and come to the Island. Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 1.59.37 PM

She was delayed from the parade, but we caught the 1:45pm #44 bus. We spent the next hour catching up on the week’s events from one another, and having poignant discussions about current events.

We finally arrived at the mall. A passing wave of dreaded fear and excited anticipatory nervousness rushed through me, making me feel like I was about to have my first day at a new school. Would I be invisible? Would I be too loud? Would I make a good, bad or no impression at all on everyone? Do I smell alright? Do I need to pee? Taking a deep breath, I smiled at SP, and we crossed the road into the Macy’s side parking lot. I’ve never seen so many types of makeup in one place before. Holy-overloaded-senses-Batman, there were too many competing perfumes! I sped up, and SP laughed because she had to catch up to me for a change. She’s lean, taller and has a stride that is much longer than mine. Usually it’s 1 of hers to just over 1/2 of mine. She wasn’t laughing AT me, though. Ha! Take that Feral Felicia! She also hasn’t bailed on me.

We walk outside of Macy’s, into the actual mall, and to our left… WHOOHOOHOOO! SPENCER’S GIFTS!!! Happy sigh of relief, there’s a store I’m familiar with, and loveScreen Shot 2015-10-18 at 2.02.57 PM! I b-line directly there, and now SP is doing a light jog to match strides with me, delighted that we have found a happy first start to our adventure.

Inside, there’s a Halloween flavor to the store. Everything seems to be geared toward superheroes and super-villains this year. We are wandering around inside, pointing, laughing and remarking about how much money we’d really need to have in order to buy all the things we want in the store. There are a few cute things I have to wait on until I lose a bit more weight, because they tend to run on the smaller side of a size for many clothing items.

Sadly, there were no Hufflepuff stuffs/items/thingiebabobs, *cry cry cry*. I do see a couple hats I really love (Yay! A Harley Quinn skull cap style!).

Then, I see the t-shirt. HOW freaking perfect is this?! Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 12.54.58 PM

“It’s buy one, get one half price”, the sales rep says. “Does that include these pants?”, I ask, thinking I might be able to find something funny for the boy. “You betcha darlin!”, the rep replies. I smile and walk around the shelving unit and see them. I squeal. I mean an actual scream, EEEEEE!!!!! SAM!!!!!Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 1.39.07 PM

BYE FELICIA! lounge pants!” Please, oh please, have XL! “YES!” *fist pump the air*

SP comes to see what I’m cheering about, and gives her own delightful sound of approval! “I LOVE that you get this!”, she says, and it takes all of my strength not to launch into the whole thing about Feral Felicia, and how I seriously need these pants. I also need them to fit.

I found some kinetic sand for the hubs instead of another shirt, and I’m almost in tears as everything is tallied at the cash register. I’ve used over 1/2 the money I came with, but I am too stoked to even care. Our first store experience in this mall and I’m set. We could leave right now and I’d call it a success. We still have the rest of the mall to go into, though. I thank the shop workers, and vow to them that I will be back soon. Then, we depart, heading further into the mall. I did not let myself even look at the Lego store. I know the Doctor Who Lego set isn’t there yet, and I didn’t want to break my happy so soon after finding it!Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 2.12.33 PM

We found a Claire’s sister-store on the first floor, and I found a wonderful tie-dyed silicone keyboard cover (the “D” key is trashed from Minecraft walkabouts) for under $10. I’m just tickled that things are going so well. We’ve wandered around for over an hour, in and out of different shops, and finally head upstairs. We see Claire’s, but next to it is a little frozen yogurt place, and it’s DIY like we used to enjoy in Halifax! Whoohoo! I spent less than 1/2 the amount as I did the last time I got a frozen yogurt. It had fresh strawberries and even a few pieces of Cap’n Crunch on it. I figured I’d be walking off the calories from it, so I wasn’t too worried.

currently not my feet, but soon I shall have slouchy socks!!!!

not my feet, but soon I shall have slouchy socks!

Claire’s was temporarily closed when we finished our frozen yogurts, so we headed into JC Penny to look for dresses. We’re both looking for something a bit fancy-ish that is “us” for upcoming Company Christmas Parties for our special boys. I tried on a few, but there weren’t any that immediately screamed at me. We left there and headed to Claire’s.

I wanted to go there specifically, because I really want slouchy socks. Sadly, they don’t have any in stock yet. Boooo!  I’m guessing after Halloween they will be ramping up to warm-feets time, so I’ll catch some fuzzy socks soon.

After a few more stores we get to Torrid. I’ve only heard about how cool this place is, and seen a bit of their online stuff until now. This place… YUP. This is where my HAPPY came out again. I’m between an 18 and 20 right now in jeans. Instead of buying the 20’s, I’m going to go back in a few weeks and get the 18’s. The mere fact that I tried them on, though, is HUGE.

Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 2.07.37 PMI came out of the dressing room, and realized we’re going to be late for dinner if we don’t head home soon. I’m looking at the last rack I’ve chosen to peek at for now, and low and behold, a blue dress with white butterflies appears before my eyes. It’s adorable. I mean, freakin’ crazy adorbs. $42… ouch.

So my mental version of Felicia Day pipes up, “Pixie, okay… think about this. You didn’t get jeans and you were expecting to get them, so do this. Get the dress. It’s begging you to take it home, and you’re going to look so great in it!”.

Feral Felicia chimes in, “Don’t be ridiculous. Sera’s a co…”.Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 2.28.21 PM

Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 2.27.04 PMNo. NO. NO, Feral Felicia. GO AWAY!!!

I am in too good of a mood to put up with your evil vileness right now!

And you know what? She did! I found the mute for Feral Felicia!!!!

I grabbed that dress and almost sprinted to the counter, so elated with myself for banishing the cruel inner meanie-headed poopie-face.

I didn’t even realize that the rack I was looking at was 50% off. I got that dress for $20.48.

on the way back from the Staten Island Mall

on the way back from the Staten Island Mall

You know what else? 

I do look cute in it!

I might just go back to the mall next week for the fun of it.

I did over 26,000 steps on Monday alone!

I’m guessing I went up the 1.5 lbs because I’m heading to girl-week. I’m bloated, emotional and just a bit more tired than usual.

 

 

My other stats are still going down/staying the same, so I’m not too worried. Stats this week:Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 7.36.10 AM

The Mini Challenge for the DayLites is to find the thing which makes them not be able to get beyond their past, and then deal with it. You either take responsibility for it and move on, or kick it to the curb and stop allowing it to rent space in your head. Now that I know that F.F. does have a mute button, the next phase is to stop allowing her to have control of the switches. I need to stop letting her push my buttons and focusing the spotlight on herself. Someday, I’ll only have one Felicia in my universe. She might even find out how she inspires people to be the best “them” that they can be. Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 2.29.24 PM

Until next week, dear reader. Have a lovely day, week, and know it has to be better tomorrow. Cheers!

 

 

Sera Hicks on Blogger
Sera Hicks
Creative Journey Leader, Intern Supervisor, Admin, Writer at Geeks and Geeklets
Geeky Hobbit-loving Whovian. Lover of chocolate, cats, and crafty things. Writer, Creative Journey Leader. It has to be better tomorrow.